I have come to understand that a traumatic experience like rape can have the supremacy to possess us and disturb us profoundly. We feel that our self-control and worth has been pilfered and that we are no longer in control of our own world. We are left dealing with the aftermath; rebuilding our spiritual belief and soul, we may find it difficult to trust, not just to trust in others but trust ourselves.

I ask myself these questions:

  • How do we reclaim our lives when something so cruel and inhumane has occurred?
  • How do we find the strength to complete the enormous task of picking up our shattered soul and to trust in life again?

I still ask myself this today.

I’m still an injured pongo battling through my own war-zone. I have imprisoned myself, forcing my mind, body and soul to undergo more torture than that already inflicted on me. I was captivated by the self-blame, the smell and touch of something so immoral. My level of happiness has been prohibited by this monster; my current existence became miserable and dark. I punished myself through self-injury, purging, binge drinking, promiscuity and abusing prescription drugs. I found myself staring at my reflection, the pain embedded in my eyes, the inner me begging to be released and set-free from my own captivity.

It was at this point I wondered how I could heal my mind after being raped.  I won’t be able to disregard it, I survived it and it was part of who I have become. But I can ascertain a way to take back the control, to take-away the domination he has held. I could try to make a commitment to myself, to avoid doing harmful things and instead try to do things that facilitate our prosperity and that of others. It was important that I took responsibility of myself in a compassionate way; this would include putting an end to the shame and blame and to learn to love and appreciate myself again. Whilst allowing recognition, understanding and acceptance of my emotions, saying “It’s okay to feel this way, it’s natural”.

I felt a toxic cocktail of emotions, emotions that left me feeling disconnected, numb and with a sense that no one around me could understand my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Most of these feelings I couldn’t give words too or explain, many people entered and walked out of my life due to my inability to feel safe and to trust others and labelled me as an “attention seeker”. It was this sense of aloneness, the need to heal my mind, the need to understand the girl in the reflection and my long-desire to support others that I intended to look at starting my journey towards recovery.

I decided that in order to do this I needed to find other people who have “walked in my shoes,” individuals who can relate to the solemnity of my pain, and individuals who can understand the darkness consuming my spirit. Two years it took me to get to this point, but I believe that finding other individuals who have suffered this unforgivable pain, uniting as one and offering support on our journeys can be the start to my own healing.

I intend to find somewhere that can facilitate my healing, to face the past whilst enabling me to achieve my life-time goal of supporting others to heal too, to make a difference.

“Healing doesn’t mean the pain never existed it means the damage no longer dominates our lives “