The Aftermath, The Facade and The Reality

Some people think I’m a perfectionist, some people think I’m strong and courageous. The truth is, underneath my façade, my perfection and control are faltering slowly. I’m not the inspiring, strong lady, which they see through their eyes.

In reality, standing on my own two feet can be a battle. There are days, where I believe that I don’t have feet at all, that I’m just floating through life, not really experiencing much of a life at all.

There are days, where I am in need of a hand to reach out too, due to my weaknesses and my need, for someone to remind me, that my life is worth fighting for. But sometimes, I just don’t know, I don’t know whose hand to reach for.

After the rape, my initial main support was from three university lecturers. This hard truth, reminded me that whilst growing up, my secondary school teachers, were also like my stand in “parent figures”. They were the ones I turned to for support, advice and reassurance. This memory made me feel an extreme sense of aloneness, amongst a compound of toxic emotions.

Yes, I had parents present, but you see, even before the trauma, I became unattuned. Somewhere along my journey of maturing, I forgot what it was like to feel. I struggled to feel love, warmth, or any sort of emotional connection towards my parents, despite my craving to have a “Mother, Daughter” relationship, that hope was a far from happening, and I couldn’t understand why.

Was there something wrong with me?

Is this why I was raped, because perhaps I was heartless and I had no soul?

Reflecting on this, it became clear that some of my foundations to my current problems and negative thought processes, commenced during my childhood. I knew that before I could focus upon the present, and commence my journey towards healing, I had to explore my past.

I Stacey-Jade, had to fully accept my vulnerabilities, expose my early fragile beginnings and be true to myself and others, in order to reduce the potential risk of slipping back into past pain.

A timeline of my life highlighted, elements and difficulties which may have altered my perceptions and feelings. Through undertaking this task, I’ve learnt to accept my relationship with my parents, for the way it is. I have recognised that our relationship is “toxic”. Perhaps, this is a reflection of me, perhaps I’m inhumane and perhaps I’m the person who makes it toxic, but surely there has to be a deep rooted explanation as to why?

Of course, the inner child cries for a strong “mother figure” and “father figure”, one that I have a connection with, one who can provide emotional support, but DNA, being related by blood is insignificant, I simply don’t feel a bond with my “parents”.

Starting from the beginning and learning to accept, enabled me to reduce past pain, to focus solely on the present difficulties, the trauma and my self-destructive behaviour. This had to be priority now, before it was too late and my reflection became nothing.

I remember a week ago, I sat on top of a building wall, contemplating ending the pain, plunging to ground beneath me. I was fearless, I was empty and shattered. I don’t remember being scared, because nothing was more terrifying than seeing my rapist, the eyes of a monster before me, every time I closed my eyes. I didn’t jump, something stopped me, I’m still here now and maybe I could win this battle. There could be hope that maybe, I could re-build my spirit and forget the man who stole my dignity.

I will remember that; when the tears are too many and the love is too little, sometimes it’s best to accept and walk away.

The funny thing about Rejection, is that it teaches you how to reject

At the end of the day, one must remember that being alone is better than being surrounded by “family”/ “friends” and feeling alone.

I am strong and death is not the answer.

The “Stuff” After Sexual Abuse

I was inspired to write this article after a long conversation with a friend who is a survivor of rape. She’d recently had the misfortune of a “chance encounter” with her abuser and it annoyed her how he’d left that meeting seemingly unscathed whereas she came home triggered and reliving her trauma. Our conversation was charged with frustration as we started discussing all the “stuff” that a survivor is left to deal with post-abuse because there is A LOT of stuff and, to put it politely, it’s not fair.

Here’s 11 things that topped our anger- fuelled chat:

The Ongoing Fear- and Possibility- of Seeing Your Abuser Again: The statistic that reads “almost 90% of those who are raped know the perpetrator*” doesn’t just highlight that we knew our abusers when our experience happened, but that in fact we’ll probably have to keep knowing them. Abusers are often acquaintances, family and friends; they are in our communities and so, unfortunately, this means it’s a real possibility, a likelihood in fact, that we will have to face them again… The question of “when?” Only adds to the trauma and can keep you in state of perpetual fear.

The Actual Moment You See Your Abuser Again: When that initial fear becomes a reality what do you do? Do you scream and make a scene? Or do you keep it all in? But, why should you keep it in? And, if you do keep it in isn’t that proof that the whole experience wasn’t that bad in the first place? These moments not only make you relive the trauma but can trigger a vicious cycle of self doubt, second guessing and feelings of blame.

The Lack of Control that You Have Over Your Abusers Opinions of You and The Narrative They Tell: We both know what happened but… The victim blaming, slut shaming and general bashing of your humanity is debasing to say the least. And, it’s yet another thing out of your control. Also, I don’t know if it’s just me but it really *annoys* me to think that my abuser (ex boyfriend) probably goes around thinking we had a great relationship and tells anyone that cares to ask just that. There was ongoing abuse and manipulation but unfortunately I don’t think that will be his story.

Detaching Yourself from What Happened in Order to Stay Sane Vs. Having an Actual Breakdown: Whichever you choose/ chooses you, the results are pretty hideous. If you detach yourself from your experience people often think you’re “over it” so can be less inclined to support you, they may even start doubting it ever even happened as you’re coping “too well.” But, on the other hand, the hideousness of having an actual breakdown is a pretty self explanatory and has cost people their lives too many times.

Telling People What Happened: Disclosing to your loved ones may be the hardest thing you ever have to do. It hurts you, it hurts them and it hurts you both to see each other hurt. But as well as your loved ones you’ll undoubtedly have to tell one or two other people who “need” to know for “logistical” purposes- like Uncle Bill who lives down the road from your abuser and always thought they were a “nice kid.” It’s another conversation that you feel unprepared for and another person’s feelings you can feel yourself taking responsibility for.

Reconciling All the Memories You Have of That One Person: I still don’t know how to do this- almost a year ago I wrote in my story that I didn’t know how to do this and I’m still no better at it now. If almost 90% of us know our abusers we’ll probably have both good and bad memories of them. And, you could literally drive yourself mad wondering whether the good times were actually good and if all memories can be trusted. Questions lead to more questions and more uncertainty, and you can begin to wonder dangerous things like “If he/she was a good person am I a bad person?”

Feeling Like You Need to be “Over It”: The unspoken time limit you have to heal. Every survivor gets one forced onto them- either by themselves or those around them. It’s in the “If you keep bringing it up you’ll never get over it” and the “Stop dragging up the past” and the most unrelenting: “Can’t I/you just be normal again? Like I/you was before?”

Unfortunately you cannot go backwards, only forwards. You can only be YOU, you and those around need to try to be kind and give you as much time as you need. Time really is a healer and- contrary to popular belief- there’s plenty of it around.

Meeting Another Survivor and Feeling like Your Experience was Nothing Compared to Theirs: Comparison is the thief of joy. In these instances the guilt immediately starts talking to you, “How dare you think you deserve support, look at these strong survivors coping on their own and they’ve been through worse than you!”

Because we don’t feel bad enough already do we? The comparison trap gets us all. Granted almost every survivor I come into contact with says something along the lines of “…But it’s not as bad as some people’s experiences” or “It could have been worse.” Perspective is great, but I want you to know that EVERY experience counts; don’t buy into the mindset that sexual abuse happens on a spectrum, we all deserve support.

Feeling Angry that Your Abuser Changed Your Life: The rage that boils in me when I spot something in my behaviour that I can trace back to him, I can’t even describe it. I feel powerless, it’s like he still has control over my mind and body. But he doesn’t, and if I have to remind myself of this fact continuously I will.

It’s just the thought that they not only took something from you in that moment but literally changed everything from then on- it’s destabilising. But that’s fear talking, you can still do YOU. They do not define you. What happened does not define you. Keep moving forward- even if baby steps are all you can take.

Feeling like Your Abuser Hasn’t Suffered like You Have: Again the rage is undeniable- and I’m really not an angry or unkind person! But feeling like your abuser did everything wrong and got none of the consequences, that could bring out a rage in anyone.

Feeling Good Again… Or Are You? So you start feeling slightly human, a bit like you’re moving forward and yet in the back of your mind you have that nagging thought- “I’m obviously not dealing with this right now so when will I?” And then there’s the fear that it’ll creep up on you when you least expect it and you’ll break down…again. So even when you feel okay it’s like you can’t depend on it lasting. How is this fair..?

So, there it is- my stuff. I’ve written it here because I want every survivor to know- you are not alone and you are NOT going crazy. We all have stuff and I know there’s much more that could be added to the list; I also know my stuff will look different to another survivors stuff but it’s important to note that it’s ALL difficult. It’s all hard, we all experience so much and we deserve to be supported throughout.

If you’re reading this as a “non-survivor” (for lack of a better word) I hope it’ll help you understand that survivors really aren’t just survivors for one moment but for life- treat us with compassion. Although you cannot change what a survivor has endured, you can change the incessant idea that a survivor only survives one event. A traumatic experience is an “experience” for a reason- it’s much more than one moment, it’s a series of awful moments. Unfortunately a traumatic moment, like a rape or sexual assault, sets off a chain reaction of moments which can rule your entire life if you are left unsupported. Many people seem to think, and act upon, the notion that you become a survivor in the instant of the experience and from then on you’re merely moving forwards- onwards and upwards and all that. That is simply NOT true. It is not always hard, but similarly it is not always easy either.

Honestly, I recently suffered a bit of “down time” of my own; a dream I had triggered me and I felt very low, memories of my sexual abuse were on a loop in my mind for about a week. The only thing that eventually helped me was writing a letter to my abuser. And, although I didn’t post the letter, I did share parts of my letter and why I wrote it in an article on my website My Imperfect Rape. I wrote about how the thought of giving some of the pain back to my abuser translated into a glimmer of hope and I wrote about the importance of being vulnerable. I didn’t share this on my project because I needed to fill space or because I wanted to be controversial; I wrote the article because I wanted the survivors and advocates who visit my project to understand that surviving isn’t a one time thing. Surviving is a complex and ongoing process.

In the article I wrote, “as survivors, being vulnerable and open about our sadness is being authentic to our plight. The world- our family, friends and communities- need to see that being a survivor isn’t just about the immediate aftermath of an abusive experience, surviving becomes a daily mission and it’s a struggle sometimes.”

I need you to recognise this struggle- as my fellow survivors, and those supporting and advocating- because honestly being a survivor of abuse can feel like a full time occupation sometimes (an occupation that NO ONE wants.) We would all do well to respect this because as survivors we can rush ourselves into getting “back to normal” and as loved ones we can do the rushing. Don’t hurry backwards, take small steps forwards instead. Support yourself and those around you continuously, and maybe refer back to articles like this one that remind us all that sexual abuse is messy and that includes the “getting past it” part.

—

Helen Alison is the creator of the My Imperfect Rape project which gives survivors a safe space to share their stories as well as creating tools that help everyone start the right conversations about sexual abuse. Visit: http://www.myimperfectrape.com

* Full statistic (and more) can be found at http://rapecrisis.org.uk/statistics.php

Sexual Assault Is Everyone’s Problem

Sexual assault is everyone’s problem. The power dynamics that manifest in sexual assault can also be found in domestic violence and other forms of gender-based violence. Seeing those dynamics play out in the lives of my own family and friends propelled me to advocate for survivors of sexual and gender-based violence. So often the mainstream narrative focuses on physical manifestations of violence, but it is important to also be a proponent of underrepresented types of abuse; such as mental or emotional, financial, digital, and verbal abuse. Sexual assault is a part of a broader culture of violence and abuse.

Supporting survivors of sexual assault can be tough and confusing, but it is crucial to a survivor’s recovery. One of the most common things I hear from the families and friends of sexual assault survivors are questions regarding why the survivor did not tell their loved ones about their assault. It is important to remember that you are not owed or entitled to someone’s story by virtue of being their loved one or friend. If a survivor chooses to tell you about their assault, do not question why they didn’t tell you sooner or in a different manner. Do not question their choices. Give your loved one the freedom to make their own choices, even if you would not necessarily make those decisions yourself. After sexual assault, it is vital for survivors to reclaim the control over their body and their life that was taken from them. And an important choice survivors have after sexual assault is who they tell. Do not tell other people the information disclosed to you in privacy, do not take away another choice from them. Talking about their assault can be distressing and empowering, all survivors are not alike and there is no right or wrong way to handle being a survivor. You may notice your loved one acting differently, remind them you are there for them if they ever want to talk and that you love them.

Even if you are not directly involved with tackling sexual assault, that does not mean there are not ways to support and aid survivors in your everyday life. Challenge the man in the grocery store line who mutters under his breath ‘she was asking for it’ at the magazine headline. Confront your friend who makes a rape joke at a party. Question the guest police officer in your classroom who encourages the female students not to wear headphones when walking around campus. Call out your co-worker who says that men cannot be sexually assaulted. Object to your school’s lenient consequences for student rapists. Vote for representatives that fight for survivor’s rights and privacy. Be an active participant in creating a safe and respectful society for all people and survivors, so that your friend or loved one know that they can turn to you for support, in the present and the future. Rapists rely on survivor’s alienation to continue on without consequences. Your friend or loved one who experience sexual assault need to know that no matter what their truth is, you will love them unconditionally.

Self-Care For Friends and Family of a Survivor of Sexual Assault

Someone you care about told you they were sexually assaulted and now you are having a difficult time coping with it. As RAINN advises, “learning how to manage these feelings can help you support the survivor in your life and can help you feel less overwhelmed.”

Everyone responds to hearing that someone they care about was sexually assaulted differently. RAINN says the following are some of the most common emotions:

• Disbelief. When you first hear about the assault you might be surprised or shocked, and you might have trouble believing the assault happened. After a traumatic experience, it’s common for survivors and those around them to experience denial. It’s important to focus on believing the survivor and acknowledging their story.
• Anger. You might feel anger for a number of reasons: towards yourself for not being able to protect the survivor; towards the survivor for telling you about something that is hard to hear, or because they waited a period of time before telling you; or towards the perpetrator for carrying out the assault and hurting the survivor. It can be difficult to keep anger from affecting the way you communicate. Let yourself acknowledge this emotion and find another outlet to express it.
• Sadness. When you learn that a trauma like sexual assault happened to someone you care about, it’s normal to feel sad, hopeless, worried, or powerless. You might feel sad for the survivor or mourn how this has changed their life. If you know the perpetrator, you might feel sad for how this has changed your life as well. Self-care strategies and coping skills can help you move through these feelings.
• Guilt. You may feel guilty that you could not prevent the assault from happening or that the survivor didn’t feel comfortable telling you about the assault right way. You may feel guilty that something so terrible happened to someone else and not to you. It can be helpful to refocus your energy on making the survivor feel supported as they move forward.
• Anxiety. You might feel anxious about responding the “right” way or worried about how this event will impact your relationship with the survivor. Reassure the survivor that the assault was not their fault and that you believe them. These can be the most powerful and helpful words for a survivor to hear.
• Confusion. You might feel confused by what you’re hearing. You might not understand how it could happen or why it has happened. Sadly, sexual assaults are more common that we’d like to think. Although you may be struggling with feelings of confusion, especially if you know the perpetrator, you should try to always believe the survivor. They are never to blame for the assault.

RAINN also provides a few tips on how to practice self-care.

Good self-care enables you to better care for others, especially if there is someone in your life who has survived sexual violence. The principles of self-care for friends and family are similar to the self-care concepts for survivors, but there are some additional aspects to consider.

• Maintain your lifestyle. It can be difficult to stay emotionally strong if you are mostly focusing on the sexual assault. Maintaining your lifestyle and continuing to do what you enjoy is important for your emotional wellness. If you enjoy painting, cooking, exercising, spending time with friends, or other activities, keep them up. It may seem challenging to make time to do these activities, but they can be helpful self-care strategies in the long-run.
• Reach out and talk about it. It’s normal to have a difficult time processing the sexual assault of someone you care about. It can continue to be difficult as time goes on and the survivor begins the healing process. You can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or visit at online.rainn.org to chat with someone who understands what you’re going through. You can also consider talking to someone who is trained professionally to help you deal with these thoughts and feelings, like a mental health professional.
• Make plans. Sometimes talking what happened can help you cope with your feelings, and other times it can make you feel more stuck. Make plans that give you a break from talking or thinking about the assault. It could means starting a new hobby or revisiting one you already enjoy. You could go to dinner with a group of friends who understand this isn’t time to discuss what happened. Maybe you prefer a solo activity, like going on long walks. Let this be a time where you can take your mind off the assault.
• Take time to relax. Relaxation looks different for everyone. You might consider meditation or deep breathing exercises. Maybe journaling helps you sort through your thoughts and find peace. Build time into your day for these moments of relaxation so that you don’t skip out.

Don’t Victim Blame Me

Sharing a story of sexual assault takes courage and doesn’t always happen right away. So when family, friends or even strangers invalidate that experience and blame the victim for their assault, it can be devastating. Although imagining someone actually asking a victim of sexual assault what they were wearing, how many sexual partners they have had, if they were drunk, etc. may be hard to imagine, the fact is that it happens far too often.

Victim blaming has become a part of our culture. But how is it possible that so many people are more willing to defend a rapist than the victim? The indescribable pain that comes with this experience is crushing enough, so why is it that our culture’s first instinct is to try to poke holes in the story and tell the victim what they “did wrong.”

I think one explanation may be that when the rapist is a friend, family member, co-worker or general acquaintance of the victim and/or people the victim knows, it becomes harder to accept that someone you know is capable of such a horrible crime. Although sexual assault occurs frequently from strangers, 84% of rapes are from someone the victim knows. Accepting that someone you may hang out with on a regular basis or have let into your life on a personal level, is capable of committing such a horrible crime is difficult. It means that someone violated your trust. Feeling uncomfortable about knowing someone who committed a sexual assault is no reason to invalidate a victim.

In sharing my story I have been told that I’m a slut, weak, that I was asking for it, I was exaggerating and that what happened didn’t count as sexual assault. Although I found love and support in many people close to me, I also lost others I had considered friends and the love I had for my university that took the side of my attackers. Being sexually assaulted was the worst thing I have ever gone through, so as fearful as I was to tell my story, I naturally assumed that those I cared about would be on my side. When they weren’t, it only added to the trauma.

It has been said time and time again but so far we as a culture still don’t understand that it is NEVER the victim’s fault. This is something I struggled with for a long time. I felt guilty and stupid for trusting the wrong people and ending up in that situation. I already blamed myself for what happened, so when others blamed me too it only sent me further down a path of depression and self-destruction. Eventually I was able to accept that what happened was NOT my fault. I shouldn’t feel bad about trusting people. What those guys did was their choice, their actions and their crime. I should not be ashamed or embarrassed to talk about my story and it should not be my burden to bear. The burden is theirs. Survivors, we have done NOTHING wrong.

So please, if someone tells you they have been sexually assaulted – believe them! They need you to be on their side now more than ever.

Share this:

The blog has only been up a couple of weeks but the response has been unbelievable. I have already met SO many incredible people and am so thankful for the courage and strength they have to share their stories and fight to end sexual assault.

I Refuse to Be Just a Victim

Far too many people are suffering in domestic abuse situations that they can’t get out of. How do I know this? I will tell you….I had a father whose obsession and control resulted in a recipe for disaster. Thirty seven stab wounds, and a slit throat took my mother’s life. Domestic Violence is a common problem. What people don’t realize is that it happens to 1 in 4 women, and that women are not the only ones being abused. It is important for all of you to be aware that abuse may be happening to friends, family and people you love, without you even knowing it.

If you pay attention….the bruise or black eye your friend shows up with may actually be the result of physical abuse. He or she may laugh about it by saying “oh this is nothing. I must have ran into something”. Victims are ashamed and will likely play down their situation, and they can be very convincing that nothing is wrong. This is why it is so important that you know that you CAN do something to help. People wonder why victims don’t leave their situation, however it isn’t always that easy. The abuser is not a stranger….the abuser usually an intimate partner, the one that is supposed to love and protect you. Many people are convinced that they can’t leave, and that they in fact did something to deserve the abuse.

My name is Haylee Reay, I was 12 when I my life changed forever. When we finally went to trial for the murder of my mother, I was told that my own dad was blaming me. It is now my mission to make people aware of the violence that happens behind closed doors. What happened to my family and me has changed my life and it will always affect me. I will always miss my mom and I will always wonder what my life would have been like if my dad had not made the choice to do what he did to us.

But I refuse to be just a victim. And I would like to tell other people not to be a victim either. You can’t control what other people will do to you, but you can choose how to react to what somebody does to you. You can use someone else’s actions as an excuse not to go on. You can use someone else’s actions as an excuse to drink or do drugs. You can say you are the way you are because of what someone else did to you. But those are just excuses.

You can also make a choice to live your life the way you want to live your life. You don’t have to let what somebody else did control your life. That’s what I have chosen to do. Although I sometimes wish that things were different, I love the life that I have. I get to choose the path that I want to take in life. What my dad did to my mom and me and my family doesn’t change that.

No matter what has happened in your life, you can make that same choice. Since everything happened, I have spoken to thousands of different people at schools/events. I have been actively involved in raising awareness for dating abuse. I have been on the National Youth Advisory Board for loveisrespect.org for almost 5 years now. My mom will forever be my hero, and I miss her terribly, but I can’t bring her back. However what I can do is be her voice… I encourage each of you to take part in spreading the word about dating violence awareness!