People see me smile and don’t know. People hear my words and don’t know. They think I know about things because I like to read and educate myself, but what they really don’t know; that I still see him in front of me. That I still see him grabbing and taking me to my brothers room.

I can’t remember a time in my life in which he wasn’t in the back of my head. I can’t remember a time in my life in which I wish I would’ve done more even though I couldn’t.

Everything started when I was four and ended when I was six. He was fifteen and a child himself. Worst part, my own mother didn’t believe me for two years until she walked in one day and till today, my parents still live in the same place that I call home.

Besides my parents and various therapists, only six people know about this as it was and still will be a battle. It made me impossible to learn anything during primary school so I ended up in a secondary school in which I was beaten up and strangled till I fainted because I was more interested in books than people. It made me run away to friends 250 miles away when I was sixteen because I thought they were my family. It made me struggle with self-injury and a suicide attempt. It made me drink a lot when I entered my twenties because I started to believe that I deserved it and that’s just how guys act.

I have no problem admitting that I struggled in life and always will. It leaves people scared and therefore they leave me or vice versa. I know that and that’s why I mostly keep it to myself even though people tend to like me as I try my best to treat everyone the same with the most open heart possible, but an invisible hand is holding me back in telling things as denying what happened has the same source as the power I gain from it.

With 26, I stopped chasing a fulfilled happy life as happiness is only an emotion. I want to be satisfied with my life as this is something consistent and even though it took me years to realize it, all these struggles also made me who I am today. I refuse to give up on this life as I have so many small dreams to archive. To me, listening is more important than talking because only then we learn and understand. To me, there is no stigma or shame, but to the world, visible pain is a weakness as a haunted past can steal the future.

I recently discovered that I wasn’t as strong and bold as I thought I was. I recently discovered that after every high, no matter how long that lasts, the low hits you hard. I recently discovered that during that low, you find out who you are and who makes an effort to stand by you and that it’s okay if some don’t. I recently discovered that for all the no’s you get, you have to create your own yes. I recently discovered that it can get better than all known highs and it will be with every single day.

Small things like a simple no can trigger something in myself and leave me numb for days, but maybe the change is what keeps us improving, because it is the only constant in life. Maybe that’s how it is supposed to happen and during those times, I want to be surrounded by people I can grow up with, dream with and constantly support each other, because there are so many breakdowns yet to happen.

It takes time to understand that using pain to heal pain can not work and we all cope in different ways. It helps to admit that we’re all human and what happened to us is not who we are. We are far more than that and we can all walk towards healing together.