The Aftermath, The Facade and The Reality

Some people think I’m a perfectionist, some people think I’m strong and courageous. The truth is, underneath my façade, my perfection and control are faltering slowly. I’m not the inspiring, strong lady, which they see through their eyes.

In reality, standing on my own two feet can be a battle. There are days, where I believe that I don’t have feet at all, that I’m just floating through life, not really experiencing much of a life at all.

There are days, where I am in need of a hand to reach out too, due to my weaknesses and my need, for someone to remind me, that my life is worth fighting for. But sometimes, I just don’t know, I don’t know whose hand to reach for.

After the rape, my initial main support was from three university lecturers. This hard truth, reminded me that whilst growing up, my secondary school teachers, were also like my stand in “parent figures”. They were the ones I turned to for support, advice and reassurance. This memory made me feel an extreme sense of aloneness, amongst a compound of toxic emotions.

Yes, I had parents present, but you see, even before the trauma, I became unattuned. Somewhere along my journey of maturing, I forgot what it was like to feel. I struggled to feel love, warmth, or any sort of emotional connection towards my parents, despite my craving to have a “Mother, Daughter” relationship, that hope was a far from happening, and I couldn’t understand why.

Was there something wrong with me?

Is this why I was raped, because perhaps I was heartless and I had no soul?

Reflecting on this, it became clear that some of my foundations to my current problems and negative thought processes, commenced during my childhood. I knew that before I could focus upon the present, and commence my journey towards healing, I had to explore my past.

I Stacey-Jade, had to fully accept my vulnerabilities, expose my early fragile beginnings and be true to myself and others, in order to reduce the potential risk of slipping back into past pain.

A timeline of my life highlighted, elements and difficulties which may have altered my perceptions and feelings. Through undertaking this task, I’ve learnt to accept my relationship with my parents, for the way it is. I have recognised that our relationship is “toxic”. Perhaps, this is a reflection of me, perhaps I’m inhumane and perhaps I’m the person who makes it toxic, but surely there has to be a deep rooted explanation as to why?

Of course, the inner child cries for a strong “mother figure” and “father figure”, one that I have a connection with, one who can provide emotional support, but DNA, being related by blood is insignificant, I simply don’t feel a bond with my “parents”.

Starting from the beginning and learning to accept, enabled me to reduce past pain, to focus solely on the present difficulties, the trauma and my self-destructive behaviour. This had to be priority now, before it was too late and my reflection became nothing.

I remember a week ago, I sat on top of a building wall, contemplating ending the pain, plunging to ground beneath me. I was fearless, I was empty and shattered. I don’t remember being scared, because nothing was more terrifying than seeing my rapist, the eyes of a monster before me, every time I closed my eyes. I didn’t jump, something stopped me, I’m still here now and maybe I could win this battle. There could be hope that maybe, I could re-build my spirit and forget the man who stole my dignity.

I will remember that; when the tears are too many and the love is too little, sometimes it’s best to accept and walk away.

The funny thing about Rejection, is that it teaches you how to reject

At the end of the day, one must remember that being alone is better than being surrounded by “family”/ “friends” and feeling alone.

I am strong and death is not the answer.

Is There a Way to Heal Your Mind After Rape?

I have come to understand that a traumatic experience like rape can have the supremacy to possess us and disturb us profoundly. We feel that our self-control and worth has been pilfered and that we are no longer in control of our own world. We are left dealing with the aftermath; rebuilding our spiritual belief and soul, we may find it difficult to trust, not just to trust in others but trust ourselves.

I ask myself these questions:

• How do we reclaim our lives when something so cruel and inhumane has occurred?

• How do we find the strength to complete the enormous task of picking up our shattered soul and to trust in life again?

I still ask myself this today.

I’m still an injured pongo battling through my own war-zone. I have imprisoned myself, forcing my mind, body and soul to undergo more torture than that already inflicted on me. I was captivated by the self-blame, the smell and touch of something so immoral. My level of happiness has been prohibited by this monster; my current existence became miserable and dark. I punished myself through self-injury, purging, binge drinking, promiscuity and abusing prescription drugs. I found myself staring at my reflection, the pain embedded in my eyes, the inner me begging to be released and set-free from my own captivity.

It was at this point I wondered how I could heal my mind after being raped.  I won’t be able to disregard it, I survived it and it was part of who I have become. But I can ascertain a way to take back the control, to take-away the domination he has held. I could try to make a commitment to myself, to avoid doing harmful things and instead try to do things that facilitate our prosperity and that of others. It was important that I took responsibility of myself in a compassionate way; this would include putting an end to the shame and blame and to learn to love and appreciate myself again. Whilst allowing recognition, understanding and acceptance of my emotions, saying “It’s okay to feel this way, it’s natural”.

I felt a toxic cocktail of emotions, emotions that left me feeling disconnected, numb and with a sense that no one around me could understand my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Most of these feelings I couldn’t give words too or explain, many people entered and walked out of my life due to my inability to feel safe and to trust others and labelled me as an “attention seeker”. It was this sense of aloneness, the need to heal my mind, the need to understand the girl in the reflection and my long-desire to support others that I intended to look at starting my journey towards recovery.

I decided that in order to do this I needed to find other people who have “walked in my shoes,” individuals who can relate to the solemnity of my pain, and individuals who can understand the darkness consuming my spirit. Two years it took me to get to this point, but I believe that finding other individuals who have suffered this unforgivable pain, uniting as one and offering support on our journeys can be the start to my own healing.

I intend to find somewhere that can facilitate my healing, to face the past whilst enabling me to achieve my life-time goal of supporting others to heal too, to make a difference.

“Healing doesn’t mean the pain never existed it means the damage no longer dominates our lives “

Self-Care For Friends and Family of a Survivor of Sexual Assault

Someone you care about told you they were sexually assaulted and now you are having a difficult time coping with it. As RAINN advises, “learning how to manage these feelings can help you support the survivor in your life and can help you feel less overwhelmed.”

Everyone responds to hearing that someone they care about was sexually assaulted differently. RAINN says the following are some of the most common emotions:

• Disbelief. When you first hear about the assault you might be surprised or shocked, and you might have trouble believing the assault happened. After a traumatic experience, it’s common for survivors and those around them to experience denial. It’s important to focus on believing the survivor and acknowledging their story.
• Anger. You might feel anger for a number of reasons: towards yourself for not being able to protect the survivor; towards the survivor for telling you about something that is hard to hear, or because they waited a period of time before telling you; or towards the perpetrator for carrying out the assault and hurting the survivor. It can be difficult to keep anger from affecting the way you communicate. Let yourself acknowledge this emotion and find another outlet to express it.
• Sadness. When you learn that a trauma like sexual assault happened to someone you care about, it’s normal to feel sad, hopeless, worried, or powerless. You might feel sad for the survivor or mourn how this has changed their life. If you know the perpetrator, you might feel sad for how this has changed your life as well. Self-care strategies and coping skills can help you move through these feelings.
• Guilt. You may feel guilty that you could not prevent the assault from happening or that the survivor didn’t feel comfortable telling you about the assault right way. You may feel guilty that something so terrible happened to someone else and not to you. It can be helpful to refocus your energy on making the survivor feel supported as they move forward.
• Anxiety. You might feel anxious about responding the “right” way or worried about how this event will impact your relationship with the survivor. Reassure the survivor that the assault was not their fault and that you believe them. These can be the most powerful and helpful words for a survivor to hear.
• Confusion. You might feel confused by what you’re hearing. You might not understand how it could happen or why it has happened. Sadly, sexual assaults are more common that we’d like to think. Although you may be struggling with feelings of confusion, especially if you know the perpetrator, you should try to always believe the survivor. They are never to blame for the assault.

RAINN also provides a few tips on how to practice self-care.

Good self-care enables you to better care for others, especially if there is someone in your life who has survived sexual violence. The principles of self-care for friends and family are similar to the self-care concepts for survivors, but there are some additional aspects to consider.

• Maintain your lifestyle. It can be difficult to stay emotionally strong if you are mostly focusing on the sexual assault. Maintaining your lifestyle and continuing to do what you enjoy is important for your emotional wellness. If you enjoy painting, cooking, exercising, spending time with friends, or other activities, keep them up. It may seem challenging to make time to do these activities, but they can be helpful self-care strategies in the long-run.
• Reach out and talk about it. It’s normal to have a difficult time processing the sexual assault of someone you care about. It can continue to be difficult as time goes on and the survivor begins the healing process. You can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or visit at online.rainn.org to chat with someone who understands what you’re going through. You can also consider talking to someone who is trained professionally to help you deal with these thoughts and feelings, like a mental health professional.
• Make plans. Sometimes talking what happened can help you cope with your feelings, and other times it can make you feel more stuck. Make plans that give you a break from talking or thinking about the assault. It could means starting a new hobby or revisiting one you already enjoy. You could go to dinner with a group of friends who understand this isn’t time to discuss what happened. Maybe you prefer a solo activity, like going on long walks. Let this be a time where you can take your mind off the assault.
• Take time to relax. Relaxation looks different for everyone. You might consider meditation or deep breathing exercises. Maybe journaling helps you sort through your thoughts and find peace. Build time into your day for these moments of relaxation so that you don’t skip out.

Don’t Victim Blame Me

Sharing a story of sexual assault takes courage and doesn’t always happen right away. So when family, friends or even strangers invalidate that experience and blame the victim for their assault, it can be devastating. Although imagining someone actually asking a victim of sexual assault what they were wearing, how many sexual partners they have had, if they were drunk, etc. may be hard to imagine, the fact is that it happens far too often.

Victim blaming has become a part of our culture. But how is it possible that so many people are more willing to defend a rapist than the victim? The indescribable pain that comes with this experience is crushing enough, so why is it that our culture’s first instinct is to try to poke holes in the story and tell the victim what they “did wrong.”

I think one explanation may be that when the rapist is a friend, family member, co-worker or general acquaintance of the victim and/or people the victim knows, it becomes harder to accept that someone you know is capable of such a horrible crime. Although sexual assault occurs frequently from strangers, 84% of rapes are from someone the victim knows. Accepting that someone you may hang out with on a regular basis or have let into your life on a personal level, is capable of committing such a horrible crime is difficult. It means that someone violated your trust. Feeling uncomfortable about knowing someone who committed a sexual assault is no reason to invalidate a victim.

In sharing my story I have been told that I’m a slut, weak, that I was asking for it, I was exaggerating and that what happened didn’t count as sexual assault. Although I found love and support in many people close to me, I also lost others I had considered friends and the love I had for my university that took the side of my attackers. Being sexually assaulted was the worst thing I have ever gone through, so as fearful as I was to tell my story, I naturally assumed that those I cared about would be on my side. When they weren’t, it only added to the trauma.

It has been said time and time again but so far we as a culture still don’t understand that it is NEVER the victim’s fault. This is something I struggled with for a long time. I felt guilty and stupid for trusting the wrong people and ending up in that situation. I already blamed myself for what happened, so when others blamed me too it only sent me further down a path of depression and self-destruction. Eventually I was able to accept that what happened was NOT my fault. I shouldn’t feel bad about trusting people. What those guys did was their choice, their actions and their crime. I should not be ashamed or embarrassed to talk about my story and it should not be my burden to bear. The burden is theirs. Survivors, we have done NOTHING wrong.

So please, if someone tells you they have been sexually assaulted – believe them! They need you to be on their side now more than ever.

A Letter To The Man Who Stole A Girl’s Soul

*Trigger Warning*

Your name is a name that she wishes she didn’t know and one that will haunt her for the rest of her life. One that she could sit around and blame herself for ever knowing, or one that she could blame the police for telling her. However, the more she reflects; surely the only person she should really blame is you.

It was the 25th December 2012, early hours of Christmas morning- a day that haunts her, as if it was yesterday. It’s like she’s stuck in time and can’t move forwards or backwards. It’s been two years but every part of you returns. You stole her identity; she doesn’t even know who SHE is anymore. You’re a man who could be seen as a ‘helpful citizen’ by the public eye. If only everyone really knew. If only she was given the justice she deserved. Underneath your lies you know that you did something purely evil.

That morning you tore away a young girl’s innocence, you stole part of her soul, and you damaged her body in more ways than you would ever know. You left this young girl feeling worthless, weak, full of self-blame and self-hate. It has been an on-going battle to keep her sanity, to keep her alive. A journey which I tell you has been exhausting and at times has even felt pointless.

You are ‘My Rapist.’ And here I am saying this, like you are my possession, but it’s you who owns me. Now I am left without conviction and left with the memories, not just of the rape but of a pathetic man begging and pleading with me not to report him as in your words “I can’t go back to prison.” Well I guess you got your wish but your lies have left me feeling like I was sent to prison. Left trapped in a dirty and violated body, hating every layer of skin I live in.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder was the diagnosis I was given. Maybe you could research PTSD to gain some sort of understanding of what you have caused- but even then you would never truly know.

Can you imagine what it felt like having your body examined by strangers, feeling powerless as they examine for evidence. On-going interviews, attending HIV clinics- commencing precaution medication that just increased the pain and sickness my body was already suffering with. Waiting months just to hear that word ‘consensual.’ That word which was far from the truth. For then my world to come crashing down as the CPS couldn’t take the case further.

‘My word against yours.’ To be told that due to my own mind trying to protect me from the ordeal I suffered it couldn’t go any further due to insufficient evidence- my lack of memory and intoxication. If only someone saw the fear in my eyes, my helpless body lying there frozen, silent tears cascading down my body as you ripped away my dignity, as you stole my identity.

I found comfort, I found relief and I found a sense of feeling alive at a bottom of a bottle, from a razor blade, from putting myself in further risky situations. I truly believed that I didn’t deserve to feel loved, that my body should just be used to permit others to find pleasure no matter where or who it was with. I pushed people away, I made unforgivable mistakes, and I trapped myself in a dark place.

What did I do wrong? Apart from consume too much alcohol, make myself vulnerable to someone like you, you are the one that committed the crime. You are the one who stole part of a young girl’s life.

I remember your eyes, the worry of being sent down, the pleading- the thought of ruining re-building a relationship with your daughter and your grandchild, but did you ever stop and think of what you had just done? Did you ever think of me? NO you only thought about YOU! Maybe you should just take two seconds now. Just think I am old enough to be your granddaughter. I was 20 by the way, 3 ½ weeks until my 21st. I was just a young and vulnerable girl who you took advantage of.

I hope reading the word ‘rape’ makes you shiver, because as much as you want to sugar coat it that’s what you did.

I will stand tall and try to forget the name of my rapist, the memory, the smell and the touch. Although I’m sure this letter won’t mean anything to you, to me maybe it’s a sign of strength. An element which I forget I do have, even though sometimes I don’t realise it. I have come a long way throughout this ordeal. I have continued to achieve a degree. The university stood by me, they believed and despite at times thinking I’m not good enough to be a nurse, I know deep down I’m a bloody good one. So I won’t let you eradicate the life I deserve or the potential I have to support others.

So many rape cases get turned down by the CPS- the Criminal justice system is unfair to victims and it breaks me knowing that other women/girls, men/boys may be feeling the way I do. But I want them to know that strength lays at the bottom of all the pain, sometimes we just have to dig deep to find it, we do have courage and we as a unit, a community, through accessing specialised services and having strong/influential networks can rebuild our lives! And this is why I write this letter today.

So finally what I want to say is…… “GOODBYE MY RAPIST!”

I will try my damn hardest to not let you destroy me – in fact with on-going self-belief, which yes you may shatter at times, I will eventually become stronger, I will eventually stop blaming myself, I will eventually put you behind me.

For now I will sit and pray that one day this chapter of my life will come, that I Stacey-Jade will be able to call myself a complete survivor!!

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The blog has only been up a couple of weeks but the response has been unbelievable. I have already met SO many incredible people and am so thankful for the courage and strength they have to share their stories and fight to end sexual assault.

I Refuse to Be Just a Victim

Far too many people are suffering in domestic abuse situations that they can’t get out of. How do I know this? I will tell you….I had a father whose obsession and control resulted in a recipe for disaster. Thirty seven stab wounds, and a slit throat took my mother’s life. Domestic Violence is a common problem. What people don’t realize is that it happens to 1 in 4 women, and that women are not the only ones being abused. It is important for all of you to be aware that abuse may be happening to friends, family and people you love, without you even knowing it.

If you pay attention….the bruise or black eye your friend shows up with may actually be the result of physical abuse. He or she may laugh about it by saying “oh this is nothing. I must have ran into something”. Victims are ashamed and will likely play down their situation, and they can be very convincing that nothing is wrong. This is why it is so important that you know that you CAN do something to help. People wonder why victims don’t leave their situation, however it isn’t always that easy. The abuser is not a stranger….the abuser usually an intimate partner, the one that is supposed to love and protect you. Many people are convinced that they can’t leave, and that they in fact did something to deserve the abuse.

My name is Haylee Reay, I was 12 when I my life changed forever. When we finally went to trial for the murder of my mother, I was told that my own dad was blaming me. It is now my mission to make people aware of the violence that happens behind closed doors. What happened to my family and me has changed my life and it will always affect me. I will always miss my mom and I will always wonder what my life would have been like if my dad had not made the choice to do what he did to us.

But I refuse to be just a victim. And I would like to tell other people not to be a victim either. You can’t control what other people will do to you, but you can choose how to react to what somebody does to you. You can use someone else’s actions as an excuse not to go on. You can use someone else’s actions as an excuse to drink or do drugs. You can say you are the way you are because of what someone else did to you. But those are just excuses.

You can also make a choice to live your life the way you want to live your life. You don’t have to let what somebody else did control your life. That’s what I have chosen to do. Although I sometimes wish that things were different, I love the life that I have. I get to choose the path that I want to take in life. What my dad did to my mom and me and my family doesn’t change that.

No matter what has happened in your life, you can make that same choice. Since everything happened, I have spoken to thousands of different people at schools/events. I have been actively involved in raising awareness for dating abuse. I have been on the National Youth Advisory Board for loveisrespect.org for almost 5 years now. My mom will forever be my hero, and I miss her terribly, but I can’t bring her back. However what I can do is be her voice… I encourage each of you to take part in spreading the word about dating violence awareness!

It’s Devastating For a Father to Hear His Baby Girl Was Sexually Assaulted

It’s good to see my daughter open up and tell her story. For a father to get the news that his baby girl has been sexually assaulted by individuals is devastating! The rage, hate and helplessness consumes you.

I found myself dreaming of ways to get revenge. If you let it, hatred can destroy you. Only after seeing my daughter begin to confront what happened to her, and seeing the strength she has to not let it define her, I began to see that the anger towards those boys was only doing me harm. Although I still believe in “an eye for an eye,” my thoughts would be better spent finding ways to support my daughter any way I can. 

This kind of crime cannot go unpunished. I have heard people say when these things happen it was probably the girl’s fault. It is never the girl’s fault. How a person acts, dresses, or talks does not give someone else the right to take what can only be given.

I raised my share of hell when I was younger. I had a lot of fun doing it and I’m not ashamed to admit it. But I never intentionally did harm to others.

To parents, love your children and teach them to be respectful of others because how they live their life is a reflection of you.

To my daughter, I love you and no words can express how proud I am of everything you do!

Dad