An Open Letter to My Rapist

*Trigger Warning*

One night. One November night. November 14th, 2014. That’s when my world fell apart. One night that will torment me for the rest of my life. The night you raped me.

I remember everything about that night, and you probably couldn’t care less.. Your name, your voice, your hands; they will forever be engraved into my brain. I remember telling you to stop touching me. Making you mad then, and fearing for my life. Trying to scream for help, but a smack across the face is what I got. You couldn’t stop at having your way once though. You just had to do it again, because you liked it so much the first time. I remember laying there hoping you would kill me, because dying is so much better than the shame this has given me. I remember fighting to breathe as you pushed all of your weight down on my body. You had your fun infecting me with pain.

I hate you. You took choice away from me.  You took my virginity. You gave me a child, and then it was taken away too. The most confusing situation in the world is being pregnant and accepting the fact that your first child was fathered by a rapist. I lost my son though. He will never be yours. He is mine, and I would have done everything in my power to make sure he was nothing like you.

You are a monster.

You took my power to say no. You took any strength I had left to continue this life. You victimized me. You violated me. You broke me. Every night I relive it in my sleep. And during the day, through depression and anxiety, the flashbacks are enough to make a person crazy. Look up PTSD, depression, anxiety, self-harm, maybe you’ll get an insight into what you did to me.

Here I am, unable to hold myself up anymore. I am lost. I am shattered glass on the floor. I’m screaming inside, but unable to speak. The worst part is I blame ME.
I let you into my room, naive to think you were trustworthy. I should have known.
These thoughts bring shame, guilt, and self-hate.

I hate thinking. I hate hating. I hate feeling. Hate is crashing down. It won’t leave. Hate holds a place in my heart and mind. Consuming my life little by little. Eating me from the inside out. Because of you, I want to crawl out of my skin. Because of you, I hate myself. Because of you, my life will never be the same.

Just Be There

My best friend in college was the kind of girl who could get along with anyone. She could literally have a conversation with anybody about absolutely anything. She was goofy and weird and cute, and just an explosion of positive energy all the time. One of the things I admired most about her was how much she enjoyed life. 

Everything about her changed when she was assaulted. 

I didn’t know what happened for a long time. All I knew was that my best friend wasn’t the same. She didn’t smile. She wouldn’t come out with our group of friends like she had always done. It was like the life was sucked out of her. And I didn’t understand. 

Until she told me what happened.

I’m naturally hot-headed, and when I found out what happened to my friend, I was beyond livid. I wanted to fight her three attackers. Every time I saw them on campus my blood pressure shot up, and it would take every ounce of self control I had to refrain from introducing my knuckles to each of their mouths.

I tried to convince my best friend to tell someone with some authority at our university what had happened. She wouldn’t. To be honest, I was frustrated that she wouldn’t tell anyone. I wanted the situation to be made right, and I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t reach out to the university. I was tempted to tell someone myself, but out of respect to her, I didn’t. In retrospect, I’m incredibly glad that I didn’t. When she finally reached out to the university, her situation was taken lightly, and no significant action was taken to help her. It is a damn shame. My best friend’s attackers walk freely around a beautiful campus every single day, and face no repercussions for sexually assaulting another student. 

Even though the university was no help at all to my friend, she is now taking action to raise awareness and help support others like her who have been through similar situations. As her friend, I am so proud. 

To other friends of survivors of sexual assault: the best advice I have is to just be there for your friend. Be there to listen more than you talk. Ask questions, but don’t pry. Make suggestions, but don’t force. Your friend needs time and space to heal. Understand that YOU are not the one who was attacked. You cannot force your friend to be ready to take action. When your friend is ready, he/she will do what they feel is best. It is not your place to take action for them. Be a friend. Be their support. Be a good listener. Be available. 

I am extremely proud to say that one of my best friends is so much more than a victim. 

The Aftermath, The Facade and The Reality

Some people think I’m a perfectionist, some people think I’m strong and courageous. The truth is, underneath my façade, my perfection and control are faltering slowly. I’m not the inspiring, strong lady, which they see through their eyes.

In reality, standing on my own two feet can be a battle. There are days, where I believe that I don’t have feet at all, that I’m just floating through life, not really experiencing much of a life at all.

There are days, where I am in need of a hand to reach out too, due to my weaknesses and my need, for someone to remind me, that my life is worth fighting for. But sometimes, I just don’t know, I don’t know whose hand to reach for.

After the rape, my initial main support was from three university lecturers. This hard truth, reminded me that whilst growing up, my secondary school teachers, were also like my stand in “parent figures”. They were the ones I turned to for support, advice and reassurance. This memory made me feel an extreme sense of aloneness, amongst a compound of toxic emotions.

Yes, I had parents present, but you see, even before the trauma, I became unattuned. Somewhere along my journey of maturing, I forgot what it was like to feel. I struggled to feel love, warmth, or any sort of emotional connection towards my parents, despite my craving to have a “Mother, Daughter” relationship, that hope was a far from happening, and I couldn’t understand why.

Was there something wrong with me?

Is this why I was raped, because perhaps I was heartless and I had no soul?

Reflecting on this, it became clear that some of my foundations to my current problems and negative thought processes, commenced during my childhood. I knew that before I could focus upon the present, and commence my journey towards healing, I had to explore my past.

I Stacey-Jade, had to fully accept my vulnerabilities, expose my early fragile beginnings and be true to myself and others, in order to reduce the potential risk of slipping back into past pain.

A timeline of my life highlighted, elements and difficulties which may have altered my perceptions and feelings. Through undertaking this task, I’ve learnt to accept my relationship with my parents, for the way it is. I have recognised that our relationship is “toxic”. Perhaps, this is a reflection of me, perhaps I’m inhumane and perhaps I’m the person who makes it toxic, but surely there has to be a deep rooted explanation as to why?

Of course, the inner child cries for a strong “mother figure” and “father figure”, one that I have a connection with, one who can provide emotional support, but DNA, being related by blood is insignificant, I simply don’t feel a bond with my “parents”.

Starting from the beginning and learning to accept, enabled me to reduce past pain, to focus solely on the present difficulties, the trauma and my self-destructive behaviour. This had to be priority now, before it was too late and my reflection became nothing.

I remember a week ago, I sat on top of a building wall, contemplating ending the pain, plunging to ground beneath me. I was fearless, I was empty and shattered. I don’t remember being scared, because nothing was more terrifying than seeing my rapist, the eyes of a monster before me, every time I closed my eyes. I didn’t jump, something stopped me, I’m still here now and maybe I could win this battle. There could be hope that maybe, I could re-build my spirit and forget the man who stole my dignity.

I will remember that; when the tears are too many and the love is too little, sometimes it’s best to accept and walk away.

The funny thing about Rejection, is that it teaches you how to reject

At the end of the day, one must remember that being alone is better than being surrounded by “family”/ “friends” and feeling alone.

I am strong and death is not the answer.

Reporting Sexual Assault to The Police

*All information from RAINN

The decision to report to law enforcement is entirely yours. Some survivors say that reporting and seeking justice helped them recover and regain a sense of control over their lives. Understanding how to report and learning more about the experience can take away some of the unknowns and help you feel more prepared.

How do I report sexual assault?
You have several options for reporting sexual assault:

• Call 911. If you are in immediate danger, dial 911. Help will come to you, wherever you are.
• Contact local the local police department. Call the direct line of your local police station or visit the station in person. If you are on a college campus you may also be able to contact campus-based law enforcement.
• Visit a medical center. If you are being treated for injuries resulting from sexual assault, tell a medical professional that you wish to report the crime. You can also choose to have a sexual assault forensic exam. To find an appropriate local health facility that is prepared to care for survivors, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800.656.HOPE (4673).

To learn more about the options in your area, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673). You’ll be connected to a staff member from a local sexual assault service provider who will walk you through the process of getting help and reporting to law enforcement at your own pace. In most areas, there are specific law enforcement officers who are trained to interact with sexual assault survivors. Service providers can connect you to these officers, and might also send a trained advocate to accompany you through the reporting process.

Who will I be talking to?
In most areas, there are specific law enforcement officers who are trained to interact with survivors of sexual assault. In addition, many law enforcement agencies participate in Sexual Assault Response Teams (SARTs), which provide a survivor-centered, coordinated response to sexual assault. SARTs incorporate medical personnel, law enforcement, and sexual assault service providers in your area. They work together to organize the investigation, reduce repetition of questions and interviews, and facilitate communication among all agencies involved.

Learn more about communicating with law enforcement.

Is there a time limit on reporting to the police?
In short, yes. This window of time you can report a crime is called the statute of limitations. Statutes of limitation vary by state, type of crime, age of the victim, and various other factors. Visit RAINN’s State Law Database to learn more about the criminal statutes of limitation where you are.

What are some common concerns about reporting?
If you have questions or concerns about reporting, you’re not alone. The list below may have answers to some common questions that are on your mind.

• The perpetrator got scared away or stopped before finishing the assault.
  Attempted rape is a serious crime and can be reported. Reports of attempted rape and other assault are taken seriously.
• I know the person who hurt me.
  About 2/3 of victims know the perpetrator. It can be unnerving to be violated by someone you know. Regardless of who perpetrator is, sexual assault is against the law.
• I’ve been intimate with the perpetrator in the past, or am currently in a relationship with the perpetrator.
  Sexual assault can occur within a relationship. Giving someone consent in the past does not give them consent for any act in the future. If you did not consent, they acted against the law—and you can report it.
• I have no physical injuries, and I’m worried there’s not enough proof.
  Most sexual assaults do not result in external physical injuries. It’s important to receive medical attention to check for internal injuries. You can also choose to have a sexual assault forensic exam to check for DNA evidence that may not be visible on the surface.
• I’m worried law enforcement won’t believe me.
  There has been great investment in police training on this topic. While there are occasional exceptions, most law enforcement officers are understanding and on your side. If you do encounter someone who isn’t taking your case seriously, ask for their supervisor and let your local sexual assault service provider know.
• I don’t want to get in trouble.
  Sometimes minors are afraid of being disciplined, either by the law or by their parents, because they were doing something they shouldn’t have when the abuse occurred. For example, a teen might have been consuming alcohol, or a child might have been breaking a house rule. It’s important to remember that sexual assault is a crime—no matter the circumstances. Nothing you did caused this to happen.

Do I have to report to get rape kit?
By law, you are not required to report to law enforcement in order to receive a sexual assault forensic exam, commonly referred to as a “rape kit.” The Violence Against Women Reauthorization Act of 2013 has made it easier for someone to have a “Jane Doe rape kit,” where they are given a code to identify themselves if they choose to report later.

Does it matter whether or not I know the perpetrator? Can I still have an exam?
There is value in having a sexual assault forensic exam performed, regardless of whether or not you know the identity of the perpetrator or perpetrators. DNA evidence collected during the exam can play an important role in the case against the perpetrator.

Will I have to pay for the exam?
By law, you should not be billed for the direct costs of a sexual assault forensic exam. The way states handle this law can vary. Since 2009, states have been required to provide sexual assault forensic exams for free or via reimbursement, regardless of cooperation with law enforcement. Starting in 2015, health facilities will no longer be able to charge for exams up front and ask for victims to file reimbursement through their insurance later. If you have questions about a bill your received related to your exam or about any other aspects of the process, you can contact your local sexual assault service provider or state coalition.

Reporting Sexual Assault to Your University

*All information from SATF

There is no one “right” response to sexual violence. You deserve to be safe. Confidential services are available regardless of whether or not you decide to report to the police or to your school.

Ask questions and get answers. Reaching out to a your school can help you find the support and information you need in making the best decision for you.

What can my school help me with?

• Answer questions regarding reporting, medical exams, and confidential resources
• Support you throughout the Title IX process
• Help you make informed choices
• Safety planning and no contact orders
• Assist you in notifying the police if you choose to report
• On campus accommodations such as: change in classes, class withdrawals, academic support, counseling services and living changes

What happens if I report to my school?

Your school has a responsibility to respond to all reports of sexual violence. Reporting an incident of sexual assault to someone on your campus will most likely trigger a Title IX response, which looks different on every campus. For a general look at the elements of a Title IX investigation, and your rights as a student click HERE. Your school will do their best to support you through the process as well and keep your case and it’s details private.

Are there people I can turn to on campus who are confidential?

You have options in who you disclose to. Few people on your campus can receive a disclosure of sexual assault confidentially and keep it confidential. Before you disclose information about a sexual assault you may want to ask about what level of confidentiality the person you’re speaking with can provide. For more information on what “confidential” means and different types of confidentiality on campus click HERE.

Title IX

*All information from SATF

Title IX applies to ALL forms of sexual and gender violence. Including sexual harassment, sexual assault, stalking, intimate partner violence, and domestic violence.

Each school’s Title IX process can be different, but every school must incorporate the following elements:

Publish their grievance procedure. Outlining the complaint, investigation, and disciplinary process for addressing sexual violence.This can be found either on their website, student handbook, or resource pages.

Prompt and equitable. Your school must complete the Title IX process in a timely manner. Most processes take around 60 days (depending on the institution and the report).

Equitable. Both parties have the same rights throughout the process.

• Have an adviser present during the process (this includes an advocate)
• Present evidence or have witnesses speak
• Timely access to information that will be used at the hearing
• Receive the final hearing decision in writing at the same time as the other party
• Appeal the final decision

Standard of the evidence. The standard of evidence used, preponderance of evidence, determines whether a complaint of sex discrimination is “more likely than not” to have occurred.

Protection from retaliation. Your school must protect you from ALL harassment, intimidation, or discrimination that you might encounter because of reporting. This includes from peers, faculty or through social media

Help you get back on track. Your school must provide you with interim measures such as immediate help. Changing classes,on campus living, counseling, test accommodations, are all things that your school can offer to help take the burden off you even before an investigation is complete.

Click here for more information on your rights as a student.

Here’s a look at how the general investigation process may go depending on your institution:

 

Is There a Way to Heal Your Mind After Rape?

I have come to understand that a traumatic experience like rape can have the supremacy to possess us and disturb us profoundly. We feel that our self-control and worth has been pilfered and that we are no longer in control of our own world. We are left dealing with the aftermath; rebuilding our spiritual belief and soul, we may find it difficult to trust, not just to trust in others but trust ourselves.

I ask myself these questions:

• How do we reclaim our lives when something so cruel and inhumane has occurred?

• How do we find the strength to complete the enormous task of picking up our shattered soul and to trust in life again?

I still ask myself this today.

I’m still an injured pongo battling through my own war-zone. I have imprisoned myself, forcing my mind, body and soul to undergo more torture than that already inflicted on me. I was captivated by the self-blame, the smell and touch of something so immoral. My level of happiness has been prohibited by this monster; my current existence became miserable and dark. I punished myself through self-injury, purging, binge drinking, promiscuity and abusing prescription drugs. I found myself staring at my reflection, the pain embedded in my eyes, the inner me begging to be released and set-free from my own captivity.

It was at this point I wondered how I could heal my mind after being raped.  I won’t be able to disregard it, I survived it and it was part of who I have become. But I can ascertain a way to take back the control, to take-away the domination he has held. I could try to make a commitment to myself, to avoid doing harmful things and instead try to do things that facilitate our prosperity and that of others. It was important that I took responsibility of myself in a compassionate way; this would include putting an end to the shame and blame and to learn to love and appreciate myself again. Whilst allowing recognition, understanding and acceptance of my emotions, saying “It’s okay to feel this way, it’s natural”.

I felt a toxic cocktail of emotions, emotions that left me feeling disconnected, numb and with a sense that no one around me could understand my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Most of these feelings I couldn’t give words too or explain, many people entered and walked out of my life due to my inability to feel safe and to trust others and labelled me as an “attention seeker”. It was this sense of aloneness, the need to heal my mind, the need to understand the girl in the reflection and my long-desire to support others that I intended to look at starting my journey towards recovery.

I decided that in order to do this I needed to find other people who have “walked in my shoes,” individuals who can relate to the solemnity of my pain, and individuals who can understand the darkness consuming my spirit. Two years it took me to get to this point, but I believe that finding other individuals who have suffered this unforgivable pain, uniting as one and offering support on our journeys can be the start to my own healing.

I intend to find somewhere that can facilitate my healing, to face the past whilst enabling me to achieve my life-time goal of supporting others to heal too, to make a difference.

“Healing doesn’t mean the pain never existed it means the damage no longer dominates our lives “

Who Can I Talk To On My Campus Without Reporting My Sexual Assault?

*All information from SATF

Not all school employees can maintain your confidentiality. Your school should make clear who you can turn to.

Sexual assault survivors respond in different ways. Some may be comfortable with their information being public and moving forward with a formal complaint, while others may need someone to talk to confidentially to sort through their options before moving forward.

Before you disclose information about a sexual assault you may want to ask about what level of confidentiality the person you’re speaking with can provide.  This will allow you to make an informed decision about the information you share and will let you know where your information will go once you share it.

What are levels of confidentiality?

There may be exceptions to these varying types of confidentiality. It’s important to ask the person who you plan on disclosing to what those exceptions might be.

Privileged Communication

Under Oregon law, communications with some individuals are privileged. This means that any information shared with a specific individual will not be used in court or shared with others. This individual cannot be subpoenaed to testify in the court of law. Students should always confirm whether privilege applies to communication with someone. Individuals who can offer privileged communication usually include: Student Health and Counseling Services counselors, Health Care Providers and Clergy/Religious counselors. *Privilege only applies if the professionals listed are acting within the capacity of their title. This may not extend to faculty. (For example: disclosing to a counselor who you are their patient)

Confidential Communication

Some school officials have been given the capacity to keep information confidential.   This means the information will not be shared unless the official determines that the seriousness of the situation requires further action. These conversations are not protected against subpoenas. *You have the right to request for confidentiality from your school while they weigh your request against their obligation to provide a safe environment for all students.

Private Communication

Oregon schools are committed to creating an environment that encourages students to come forward after an assault. Generally, schools will safeguard the identities of the students who seek help by keeping the information private. This means the information is disclosed only to select university personnel who need to know.

There is no one “right” response to sexual violence. Not everyone decides to report. You deserve to feel safe. Confidential services are available regardless of whether or not you decide to report to the police or to your school. Advocates are a confidential resource to get the support and information you need.

Sexual Assault Medical Exam

*All information from SATF

A Sexual Assault Nurse Examiner (S.A.N.E.) can examine you and even collect evidence without you making a report to law enforcement. Evidence can be collected within 84 hours of the assault and kept in an anonymous kit for a time when you are ready to decide if you want to report.

A SANE can answer questions about:

• pregnancy risks
• STI risks
• follow up care
• medications

You can request for an advocate or someone you are comfortable with to be present throughout your exam.

If you are considering a forensic exam:

• try not to bathe, shower, urinate, or change your clothes
• bring a change of clothes with you

You can stop the exam at any time. The SANE will explain the process to you, but if at any time you don’t feel comfortable doing something you can ask to stop.

What can I expect during an exam?

The SANE will talk with you about what happened and then perform a physical exam to check for any injuries along with collect forensic evidence. Evidence collection includes recording a history of events, documenting any visible injuries as well as swabbing areas of your body for possible DNA. After the exam you and the SANE will discuss your options for treatment and testing as well as make a plan for follow up care.

Do I have to pay for it? Will it show up on my student health?

You do not have to pay for exam or testing and medications. Your student account or student health insurance will not be billed. Some STI medications or treatments outside of what is covered may have to be paid for out of pocket. A SANE can talk with you about your options in treatment and follow up care.