An Open Letter to My Rapist

*Trigger Warning*

One night. One November night. November 14th, 2014. That’s when my world fell apart. One night that will torment me for the rest of my life. The night you raped me.

I remember everything about that night, and you probably couldn’t care less.. Your name, your voice, your hands; they will forever be engraved into my brain. I remember telling you to stop touching me. Making you mad then, and fearing for my life. Trying to scream for help, but a smack across the face is what I got. You couldn’t stop at having your way once though. You just had to do it again, because you liked it so much the first time. I remember laying there hoping you would kill me, because dying is so much better than the shame this has given me. I remember fighting to breathe as you pushed all of your weight down on my body. You had your fun infecting me with pain.

I hate you. You took choice away from me.  You took my virginity. You gave me a child, and then it was taken away too. The most confusing situation in the world is being pregnant and accepting the fact that your first child was fathered by a rapist. I lost my son though. He will never be yours. He is mine, and I would have done everything in my power to make sure he was nothing like you.

You are a monster.

You took my power to say no. You took any strength I had left to continue this life. You victimized me. You violated me. You broke me. Every night I relive it in my sleep. And during the day, through depression and anxiety, the flashbacks are enough to make a person crazy. Look up PTSD, depression, anxiety, self-harm, maybe you’ll get an insight into what you did to me.

Here I am, unable to hold myself up anymore. I am lost. I am shattered glass on the floor. I’m screaming inside, but unable to speak. The worst part is I blame ME.
I let you into my room, naive to think you were trustworthy. I should have known.
These thoughts bring shame, guilt, and self-hate.

I hate thinking. I hate hating. I hate feeling. Hate is crashing down. It won’t leave. Hate holds a place in my heart and mind. Consuming my life little by little. Eating me from the inside out. Because of you, I want to crawl out of my skin. Because of you, I hate myself. Because of you, my life will never be the same.

Just Be There

My best friend in college was the kind of girl who could get along with anyone. She could literally have a conversation with anybody about absolutely anything. She was goofy and weird and cute, and just an explosion of positive energy all the time. One of the things I admired most about her was how much she enjoyed life. 

Everything about her changed when she was assaulted. 

I didn’t know what happened for a long time. All I knew was that my best friend wasn’t the same. She didn’t smile. She wouldn’t come out with our group of friends like she had always done. It was like the life was sucked out of her. And I didn’t understand. 

Until she told me what happened.

I’m naturally hot-headed, and when I found out what happened to my friend, I was beyond livid. I wanted to fight her three attackers. Every time I saw them on campus my blood pressure shot up, and it would take every ounce of self control I had to refrain from introducing my knuckles to each of their mouths.

I tried to convince my best friend to tell someone with some authority at our university what had happened. She wouldn’t. To be honest, I was frustrated that she wouldn’t tell anyone. I wanted the situation to be made right, and I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t reach out to the university. I was tempted to tell someone myself, but out of respect to her, I didn’t. In retrospect, I’m incredibly glad that I didn’t. When she finally reached out to the university, her situation was taken lightly, and no significant action was taken to help her. It is a damn shame. My best friend’s attackers walk freely around a beautiful campus every single day, and face no repercussions for sexually assaulting another student. 

Even though the university was no help at all to my friend, she is now taking action to raise awareness and help support others like her who have been through similar situations. As her friend, I am so proud. 

To other friends of survivors of sexual assault: the best advice I have is to just be there for your friend. Be there to listen more than you talk. Ask questions, but don’t pry. Make suggestions, but don’t force. Your friend needs time and space to heal. Understand that YOU are not the one who was attacked. You cannot force your friend to be ready to take action. When your friend is ready, he/she will do what they feel is best. It is not your place to take action for them. Be a friend. Be their support. Be a good listener. Be available. 

I am extremely proud to say that one of my best friends is so much more than a victim. 

The Aftermath, The Facade and The Reality

Some people think I’m a perfectionist, some people think I’m strong and courageous. The truth is, underneath my façade, my perfection and control are faltering slowly. I’m not the inspiring, strong lady, which they see through their eyes.

In reality, standing on my own two feet can be a battle. There are days, where I believe that I don’t have feet at all, that I’m just floating through life, not really experiencing much of a life at all.

There are days, where I am in need of a hand to reach out too, due to my weaknesses and my need, for someone to remind me, that my life is worth fighting for. But sometimes, I just don’t know, I don’t know whose hand to reach for.

After the rape, my initial main support was from three university lecturers. This hard truth, reminded me that whilst growing up, my secondary school teachers, were also like my stand in “parent figures”. They were the ones I turned to for support, advice and reassurance. This memory made me feel an extreme sense of aloneness, amongst a compound of toxic emotions.

Yes, I had parents present, but you see, even before the trauma, I became unattuned. Somewhere along my journey of maturing, I forgot what it was like to feel. I struggled to feel love, warmth, or any sort of emotional connection towards my parents, despite my craving to have a “Mother, Daughter” relationship, that hope was a far from happening, and I couldn’t understand why.

Was there something wrong with me?

Is this why I was raped, because perhaps I was heartless and I had no soul?

Reflecting on this, it became clear that some of my foundations to my current problems and negative thought processes, commenced during my childhood. I knew that before I could focus upon the present, and commence my journey towards healing, I had to explore my past.

I Stacey-Jade, had to fully accept my vulnerabilities, expose my early fragile beginnings and be true to myself and others, in order to reduce the potential risk of slipping back into past pain.

A timeline of my life highlighted, elements and difficulties which may have altered my perceptions and feelings. Through undertaking this task, I’ve learnt to accept my relationship with my parents, for the way it is. I have recognised that our relationship is “toxic”. Perhaps, this is a reflection of me, perhaps I’m inhumane and perhaps I’m the person who makes it toxic, but surely there has to be a deep rooted explanation as to why?

Of course, the inner child cries for a strong “mother figure” and “father figure”, one that I have a connection with, one who can provide emotional support, but DNA, being related by blood is insignificant, I simply don’t feel a bond with my “parents”.

Starting from the beginning and learning to accept, enabled me to reduce past pain, to focus solely on the present difficulties, the trauma and my self-destructive behaviour. This had to be priority now, before it was too late and my reflection became nothing.

I remember a week ago, I sat on top of a building wall, contemplating ending the pain, plunging to ground beneath me. I was fearless, I was empty and shattered. I don’t remember being scared, because nothing was more terrifying than seeing my rapist, the eyes of a monster before me, every time I closed my eyes. I didn’t jump, something stopped me, I’m still here now and maybe I could win this battle. There could be hope that maybe, I could re-build my spirit and forget the man who stole my dignity.

I will remember that; when the tears are too many and the love is too little, sometimes it’s best to accept and walk away.

The funny thing about Rejection, is that it teaches you how to reject

At the end of the day, one must remember that being alone is better than being surrounded by “family”/ “friends” and feeling alone.

I am strong and death is not the answer.

Title IX

*All information from SATF

Title IX applies to ALL forms of sexual and gender violence. Including sexual harassment, sexual assault, stalking, intimate partner violence, and domestic violence.

Each school’s Title IX process can be different, but every school must incorporate the following elements:

Publish their grievance procedure. Outlining the complaint, investigation, and disciplinary process for addressing sexual violence.This can be found either on their website, student handbook, or resource pages.

Prompt and equitable. Your school must complete the Title IX process in a timely manner. Most processes take around 60 days (depending on the institution and the report).

Equitable. Both parties have the same rights throughout the process.

• Have an adviser present during the process (this includes an advocate)
• Present evidence or have witnesses speak
• Timely access to information that will be used at the hearing
• Receive the final hearing decision in writing at the same time as the other party
• Appeal the final decision

Standard of the evidence. The standard of evidence used, preponderance of evidence, determines whether a complaint of sex discrimination is “more likely than not” to have occurred.

Protection from retaliation. Your school must protect you from ALL harassment, intimidation, or discrimination that you might encounter because of reporting. This includes from peers, faculty or through social media

Help you get back on track. Your school must provide you with interim measures such as immediate help. Changing classes,on campus living, counseling, test accommodations, are all things that your school can offer to help take the burden off you even before an investigation is complete.

Click here for more information on your rights as a student.

Here’s a look at how the general investigation process may go depending on your institution:

 

Is There a Way to Heal Your Mind After Rape?

I have come to understand that a traumatic experience like rape can have the supremacy to possess us and disturb us profoundly. We feel that our self-control and worth has been pilfered and that we are no longer in control of our own world. We are left dealing with the aftermath; rebuilding our spiritual belief and soul, we may find it difficult to trust, not just to trust in others but trust ourselves.

I ask myself these questions:

• How do we reclaim our lives when something so cruel and inhumane has occurred?

• How do we find the strength to complete the enormous task of picking up our shattered soul and to trust in life again?

I still ask myself this today.

I’m still an injured pongo battling through my own war-zone. I have imprisoned myself, forcing my mind, body and soul to undergo more torture than that already inflicted on me. I was captivated by the self-blame, the smell and touch of something so immoral. My level of happiness has been prohibited by this monster; my current existence became miserable and dark. I punished myself through self-injury, purging, binge drinking, promiscuity and abusing prescription drugs. I found myself staring at my reflection, the pain embedded in my eyes, the inner me begging to be released and set-free from my own captivity.

It was at this point I wondered how I could heal my mind after being raped.  I won’t be able to disregard it, I survived it and it was part of who I have become. But I can ascertain a way to take back the control, to take-away the domination he has held. I could try to make a commitment to myself, to avoid doing harmful things and instead try to do things that facilitate our prosperity and that of others. It was important that I took responsibility of myself in a compassionate way; this would include putting an end to the shame and blame and to learn to love and appreciate myself again. Whilst allowing recognition, understanding and acceptance of my emotions, saying “It’s okay to feel this way, it’s natural”.

I felt a toxic cocktail of emotions, emotions that left me feeling disconnected, numb and with a sense that no one around me could understand my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Most of these feelings I couldn’t give words too or explain, many people entered and walked out of my life due to my inability to feel safe and to trust others and labelled me as an “attention seeker”. It was this sense of aloneness, the need to heal my mind, the need to understand the girl in the reflection and my long-desire to support others that I intended to look at starting my journey towards recovery.

I decided that in order to do this I needed to find other people who have “walked in my shoes,” individuals who can relate to the solemnity of my pain, and individuals who can understand the darkness consuming my spirit. Two years it took me to get to this point, but I believe that finding other individuals who have suffered this unforgivable pain, uniting as one and offering support on our journeys can be the start to my own healing.

I intend to find somewhere that can facilitate my healing, to face the past whilst enabling me to achieve my life-time goal of supporting others to heal too, to make a difference.

“Healing doesn’t mean the pain never existed it means the damage no longer dominates our lives “

Who Can I Talk To On My Campus Without Reporting My Sexual Assault?

*All information from SATF

Not all school employees can maintain your confidentiality. Your school should make clear who you can turn to.

Sexual assault survivors respond in different ways. Some may be comfortable with their information being public and moving forward with a formal complaint, while others may need someone to talk to confidentially to sort through their options before moving forward.

Before you disclose information about a sexual assault you may want to ask about what level of confidentiality the person you’re speaking with can provide.  This will allow you to make an informed decision about the information you share and will let you know where your information will go once you share it.

What are levels of confidentiality?

There may be exceptions to these varying types of confidentiality. It’s important to ask the person who you plan on disclosing to what those exceptions might be.

Privileged Communication

Under Oregon law, communications with some individuals are privileged. This means that any information shared with a specific individual will not be used in court or shared with others. This individual cannot be subpoenaed to testify in the court of law. Students should always confirm whether privilege applies to communication with someone. Individuals who can offer privileged communication usually include: Student Health and Counseling Services counselors, Health Care Providers and Clergy/Religious counselors. *Privilege only applies if the professionals listed are acting within the capacity of their title. This may not extend to faculty. (For example: disclosing to a counselor who you are their patient)

Confidential Communication

Some school officials have been given the capacity to keep information confidential.   This means the information will not be shared unless the official determines that the seriousness of the situation requires further action. These conversations are not protected against subpoenas. *You have the right to request for confidentiality from your school while they weigh your request against their obligation to provide a safe environment for all students.

Private Communication

Oregon schools are committed to creating an environment that encourages students to come forward after an assault. Generally, schools will safeguard the identities of the students who seek help by keeping the information private. This means the information is disclosed only to select university personnel who need to know.

There is no one “right” response to sexual violence. Not everyone decides to report. You deserve to feel safe. Confidential services are available regardless of whether or not you decide to report to the police or to your school. Advocates are a confidential resource to get the support and information you need.

My Friend Was Sexually Assaulted

Being a friend of someone who was sexually assaulted is truly a life changing reality. I have heard stories about sexual assault or abuse happening on college campuses. But I never thought that it could happen to someone close to me.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Nothing could have prepared me for this day. Two years ago, my friend came to me in tears in the middle of the night. My heart broke seeing her like this. I didn’t know what to do or what to say. So I just held her in my arms as she cried.

When I found out what those guys did to her, there were so many emotions going through me. I was shocked. I was angry at them. I was sad that this happened to my friend. Not only did this hurt her, but it also hurt me to see her in pain.

It has been a long journey for my friend. My once happy and spirited friend had become sad and distant. Seeing her alienate herself from her friends was the hardest part for me. I wanted nothing more than to help her. But I knew that she needed time to heal.

Today, she is one of the strongest people I know. She has regained her bright spirit and has shown me incredible strength. Over the past few months, she has been able to take her life back into her own hands and even help others who have similar experiences. And I couldn’t be more proud of her.

Supporting a friend who has been sexually assaulted can be challenging at first because you may not know what to say or do. But that’s okay. The best thing you can do for your friend is be there for them. Listen without judgment and speak when necessary. Remind them that whatever happened is not their fault. Try to avoid telling them what they should or should not do and give advice only when they ask for it. Give them the time and space they need and allow them to heal at their own pace. I believe it’s so important to just be supportive of your friend through this time and with any decisions they choose to make. Show them that you love and care for them no matter what.

My Granddaughter Was Sexually Assaulted

 I am writing this letter to express my feelings about the sexual assault of my granddaughter. She was assaulted by two fellow students when she returned to her dorm one night. As a family we have felt her struggle through this and been with her in love and support. I wish I could say the same thing for her university.

    She reported this assault to her university, but it was “quietly swept under the rug.” The boys admitted that they had done it, but their only consequence was that they were not be around her or contact her. For the past two and half years there have been repeated harassment which were documented by various university counsellors. STILL NO ACTION!!! In addition to the pain and suffering of the assault, the university she loved so much had failed to support her and protect her. No amount of love or support could help the emotional impact of this.

    This year, a bold breach of the no contact order, made our granddaughter go to the university once more. She met with the new assistant dean. FINALLY a person who is dedicated to doing what she was hired to do. She listened to our granddaughter, knew this was a serious issue and took action to deal with it. The university investigated the assault and found the boys guilty. Legal and personal restrictions were given to the boys. I would have liked to seen them expelled, but at least they did support her complaint.

    I am very angry and disappointed with universities who do not protect our children from harm. THIS HAS TO CHANGE! Unless predators are held responsible for their acts, they will only get worse. Change can only happen if victims have the courage to stand up for themselves and initiate action. Universities have to support these victims and have a very clear policy that sexual assault WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, EVER.

   While it has been heartbreaking to see our granddaughter go through this experience, our love and appreciation of this beautiful, strong woman has grown even deeper. She is so courageous to speak out and stand up for her conviction that sexual assault is absolutely not acceptable in America or anywhere. She is the voice for people who have gone through this. Getting information out there for people to read and see, will result in change.

    FOR MY GRANDDAUGHTER: I love you so much and that love is unconditional and eternal. So proud of you and the person you are.

My University Covered Up My Sexual Assault

One of the most terrifying decisions I made after my assault was to report it to my university. To be honest, it wasn’t a decision I wanted to make because at the time I wanted to continue trying to pretend nothing ever happened. But then one night after seeing a friend in pain and believing she had been through something similar, I realized that I didn’t want her to follow my example by not reporting it. I wanted her to be brave, so I knew that I needed to be brave too. I told a couple friends my plan and one of them decided to come with me to the security office.

I chose to go to campus security because I figured they would know what to do and I wasn’t completely brave enough to go to the actual police. Once we got there I said I needed to report something and the two men in the office started scrambling around trying to figure out what to do. They had us stand awkwardly on the side of the office as they made several phone calls and finally the head of security came in and took me into a separate room. He had us sit across from eachother, pulled out a notepad and asked me to tell him the story. So I did.

Unfortunately, throughout the time I was telling my story he would make little comments about what I was saying to try and make light of the situation. At some points he would laugh and didn’t even take a single note the whole time I talked. Then when I finished telling my story he responded by saying, “there’s nothing we can do. If you want, we can call them in and have you sit down and talk it out with them.”

I couldn’t believe it. I’d finally had the courage to tell my story and all he did was laugh and say there wasn’t anything they could do. It absolutely crushed me. I felt as though my university, the same university that at the beginning of my freshman year would rant about how much they cared about THIS VERY SITUATION and took it seriously, didn’t care at all. And if they didn’t care, who would? Their reaction completely invalidated the pain and trauma those boys had put me through.

A couple days later I got an email from the Dean of Students asking if I would come in and meet with her. It took me a couple more days to respond because after what had happened during the weekend I was feeling extremely betrayed by my school and wasn’t sure if I could trust her.

When I finally did respond and meet with her I had to retell what had happened to me because the officer that I had originally talked to didn’t get the story right at all. She acted like she cared and talked as though the university was going to take immediate action against the guys, first by granting me a no contact order against all of them. I left that meeting with her feeling heard and it gave me the brief strength to call home and tell my parents what I had been through. It was hard, but telling my parents was the best thing I ever did to help myself heal. It took a huge weight off my shoulders and put even more people in my corner as I tried to deal with everything.

After almost an entire week had passed without hearing a word from my university about what action they were going to take and if my no contact order had been submitted, I finally was emailed by the Dean of Students. Instead of pressing charges against the guys, she said she had talked to them and felt as though if I came into her office and “talked it out with them” the situation could be resolved. Once again, I was devastated. The glimmer of hope she had given me instantly vanished and pushed me even further back in the healing process. I was angry because for whatever reason, my university was taking the side of the guys that stole so much from me. My university was covering it up and I wasn’t strong enough to fight it. I emailed her back saying I never wanted to see or talk to them ever and for her to please at least continue with the no contact order.  The next day I got an email with the formal No Contact Order. I had done the right thing by reporting my story to my university and telling my parents. But the way my university responded not once but TWICE is unforgivable. Yet that response is far, far too often the response survivors get.

But my story with my university and the way they handled my assault didn’t end there. Throughout the next two years one of my attackers continually harassed me by following close behind me as I walked from class to class, lunging at me, obviously talking about me in a different language near me, pointing at me from across rooms, sitting down next to me, etc. Although I had a no contact order against him and the other guys, the way the Dean of Students had explained it to me was that they would break it only by speaking to me or contacting me in some way and that if they broke it they would be expelled.

As it turns out, what he had been doing qualified as breaking the no contact order and the only reason I found this out was because the first semester of my senior year he was placed in a class with me. As soon as I saw him walk in that classroom I knew I had had enough. I had worked so hard over the last several years to heal and try to move passed what they had done to me, yet here he was once again. So I found myself calling the Dean of Students and begging for her to do something. Luckily for me, there was someone new in the position and this time she genuinely cared about everything I had gone through. She immediately removed him from the class, launched an investigation into the harassment (he was found guilty) and renewed the no contact order but changed it to where he couldn’t come within 25 feet of me. I am SO thankful for the actions she took in trying to get me justice. I was bitter when it came to my university and have worked extremely hard to graduate a semester early just to be done with it, and she helped change those negative feelings a little.

Although I’m not as upset with my school as I was, I still carry a lot of anger towards my university. I reached out various times to professors even after the administration had covered my assault up, yet continually no one did anything. Even now none of the guys have ever been expelled and only one out of the three was punished at all. Comparatively students who have been caught with alcohol or drugs on campus are immediately removed. So it doesn’t make sense that people who commit a crime against another student are still here. That’s not justice. That’s not right.