The Aftermath, The Facade and The Reality

Some people think I’m a perfectionist, some people think I’m strong and courageous. The truth is, underneath my façade, my perfection and control are faltering slowly. I’m not the inspiring, strong lady, which they see through their eyes.

In reality, standing on my own two feet can be a battle. There are days, where I believe that I don’t have feet at all, that I’m just floating through life, not really experiencing much of a life at all.

There are days, where I am in need of a hand to reach out too, due to my weaknesses and my need, for someone to remind me, that my life is worth fighting for. But sometimes, I just don’t know, I don’t know whose hand to reach for.

After the rape, my initial main support was from three university lecturers. This hard truth, reminded me that whilst growing up, my secondary school teachers, were also like my stand in “parent figures”. They were the ones I turned to for support, advice and reassurance. This memory made me feel an extreme sense of aloneness, amongst a compound of toxic emotions.

Yes, I had parents present, but you see, even before the trauma, I became unattuned. Somewhere along my journey of maturing, I forgot what it was like to feel. I struggled to feel love, warmth, or any sort of emotional connection towards my parents, despite my craving to have a “Mother, Daughter” relationship, that hope was a far from happening, and I couldn’t understand why.

Was there something wrong with me?

Is this why I was raped, because perhaps I was heartless and I had no soul?

Reflecting on this, it became clear that some of my foundations to my current problems and negative thought processes, commenced during my childhood. I knew that before I could focus upon the present, and commence my journey towards healing, I had to explore my past.

I Stacey-Jade, had to fully accept my vulnerabilities, expose my early fragile beginnings and be true to myself and others, in order to reduce the potential risk of slipping back into past pain.

A timeline of my life highlighted, elements and difficulties which may have altered my perceptions and feelings. Through undertaking this task, I’ve learnt to accept my relationship with my parents, for the way it is. I have recognised that our relationship is “toxic”. Perhaps, this is a reflection of me, perhaps I’m inhumane and perhaps I’m the person who makes it toxic, but surely there has to be a deep rooted explanation as to why?

Of course, the inner child cries for a strong “mother figure” and “father figure”, one that I have a connection with, one who can provide emotional support, but DNA, being related by blood is insignificant, I simply don’t feel a bond with my “parents”.

Starting from the beginning and learning to accept, enabled me to reduce past pain, to focus solely on the present difficulties, the trauma and my self-destructive behaviour. This had to be priority now, before it was too late and my reflection became nothing.

I remember a week ago, I sat on top of a building wall, contemplating ending the pain, plunging to ground beneath me. I was fearless, I was empty and shattered. I don’t remember being scared, because nothing was more terrifying than seeing my rapist, the eyes of a monster before me, every time I closed my eyes. I didn’t jump, something stopped me, I’m still here now and maybe I could win this battle. There could be hope that maybe, I could re-build my spirit and forget the man who stole my dignity.

I will remember that; when the tears are too many and the love is too little, sometimes it’s best to accept and walk away.

The funny thing about Rejection, is that it teaches you how to reject

At the end of the day, one must remember that being alone is better than being surrounded by “family”/ “friends” and feeling alone.

I am strong and death is not the answer.

Is There a Way to Heal Your Mind After Rape?

I have come to understand that a traumatic experience like rape can have the supremacy to possess us and disturb us profoundly. We feel that our self-control and worth has been pilfered and that we are no longer in control of our own world. We are left dealing with the aftermath; rebuilding our spiritual belief and soul, we may find it difficult to trust, not just to trust in others but trust ourselves.

I ask myself these questions:

• How do we reclaim our lives when something so cruel and inhumane has occurred?

• How do we find the strength to complete the enormous task of picking up our shattered soul and to trust in life again?

I still ask myself this today.

I’m still an injured pongo battling through my own war-zone. I have imprisoned myself, forcing my mind, body and soul to undergo more torture than that already inflicted on me. I was captivated by the self-blame, the smell and touch of something so immoral. My level of happiness has been prohibited by this monster; my current existence became miserable and dark. I punished myself through self-injury, purging, binge drinking, promiscuity and abusing prescription drugs. I found myself staring at my reflection, the pain embedded in my eyes, the inner me begging to be released and set-free from my own captivity.

It was at this point I wondered how I could heal my mind after being raped.  I won’t be able to disregard it, I survived it and it was part of who I have become. But I can ascertain a way to take back the control, to take-away the domination he has held. I could try to make a commitment to myself, to avoid doing harmful things and instead try to do things that facilitate our prosperity and that of others. It was important that I took responsibility of myself in a compassionate way; this would include putting an end to the shame and blame and to learn to love and appreciate myself again. Whilst allowing recognition, understanding and acceptance of my emotions, saying “It’s okay to feel this way, it’s natural”.

I felt a toxic cocktail of emotions, emotions that left me feeling disconnected, numb and with a sense that no one around me could understand my thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Most of these feelings I couldn’t give words too or explain, many people entered and walked out of my life due to my inability to feel safe and to trust others and labelled me as an “attention seeker”. It was this sense of aloneness, the need to heal my mind, the need to understand the girl in the reflection and my long-desire to support others that I intended to look at starting my journey towards recovery.

I decided that in order to do this I needed to find other people who have “walked in my shoes,” individuals who can relate to the solemnity of my pain, and individuals who can understand the darkness consuming my spirit. Two years it took me to get to this point, but I believe that finding other individuals who have suffered this unforgivable pain, uniting as one and offering support on our journeys can be the start to my own healing.

I intend to find somewhere that can facilitate my healing, to face the past whilst enabling me to achieve my life-time goal of supporting others to heal too, to make a difference.

“Healing doesn’t mean the pain never existed it means the damage no longer dominates our lives “

My Granddaughter Was Sexually Assaulted

 I am writing this letter to express my feelings about the sexual assault of my granddaughter. She was assaulted by two fellow students when she returned to her dorm one night. As a family we have felt her struggle through this and been with her in love and support. I wish I could say the same thing for her university.

    She reported this assault to her university, but it was “quietly swept under the rug.” The boys admitted that they had done it, but their only consequence was that they were not be around her or contact her. For the past two and half years there have been repeated harassment which were documented by various university counsellors. STILL NO ACTION!!! In addition to the pain and suffering of the assault, the university she loved so much had failed to support her and protect her. No amount of love or support could help the emotional impact of this.

    This year, a bold breach of the no contact order, made our granddaughter go to the university once more. She met with the new assistant dean. FINALLY a person who is dedicated to doing what she was hired to do. She listened to our granddaughter, knew this was a serious issue and took action to deal with it. The university investigated the assault and found the boys guilty. Legal and personal restrictions were given to the boys. I would have liked to seen them expelled, but at least they did support her complaint.

    I am very angry and disappointed with universities who do not protect our children from harm. THIS HAS TO CHANGE! Unless predators are held responsible for their acts, they will only get worse. Change can only happen if victims have the courage to stand up for themselves and initiate action. Universities have to support these victims and have a very clear policy that sexual assault WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, EVER.

   While it has been heartbreaking to see our granddaughter go through this experience, our love and appreciation of this beautiful, strong woman has grown even deeper. She is so courageous to speak out and stand up for her conviction that sexual assault is absolutely not acceptable in America or anywhere. She is the voice for people who have gone through this. Getting information out there for people to read and see, will result in change.

    FOR MY GRANDDAUGHTER: I love you so much and that love is unconditional and eternal. So proud of you and the person you are.

The “Stuff” After Sexual Abuse

I was inspired to write this article after a long conversation with a friend who is a survivor of rape. She’d recently had the misfortune of a “chance encounter” with her abuser and it annoyed her how he’d left that meeting seemingly unscathed whereas she came home triggered and reliving her trauma. Our conversation was charged with frustration as we started discussing all the “stuff” that a survivor is left to deal with post-abuse because there is A LOT of stuff and, to put it politely, it’s not fair.

Here’s 11 things that topped our anger- fuelled chat:

The Ongoing Fear- and Possibility- of Seeing Your Abuser Again: The statistic that reads “almost 90% of those who are raped know the perpetrator*” doesn’t just highlight that we knew our abusers when our experience happened, but that in fact we’ll probably have to keep knowing them. Abusers are often acquaintances, family and friends; they are in our communities and so, unfortunately, this means it’s a real possibility, a likelihood in fact, that we will have to face them again… The question of “when?” Only adds to the trauma and can keep you in state of perpetual fear.

The Actual Moment You See Your Abuser Again: When that initial fear becomes a reality what do you do? Do you scream and make a scene? Or do you keep it all in? But, why should you keep it in? And, if you do keep it in isn’t that proof that the whole experience wasn’t that bad in the first place? These moments not only make you relive the trauma but can trigger a vicious cycle of self doubt, second guessing and feelings of blame.

The Lack of Control that You Have Over Your Abusers Opinions of You and The Narrative They Tell: We both know what happened but… The victim blaming, slut shaming and general bashing of your humanity is debasing to say the least. And, it’s yet another thing out of your control. Also, I don’t know if it’s just me but it really *annoys* me to think that my abuser (ex boyfriend) probably goes around thinking we had a great relationship and tells anyone that cares to ask just that. There was ongoing abuse and manipulation but unfortunately I don’t think that will be his story.

Detaching Yourself from What Happened in Order to Stay Sane Vs. Having an Actual Breakdown: Whichever you choose/ chooses you, the results are pretty hideous. If you detach yourself from your experience people often think you’re “over it” so can be less inclined to support you, they may even start doubting it ever even happened as you’re coping “too well.” But, on the other hand, the hideousness of having an actual breakdown is a pretty self explanatory and has cost people their lives too many times.

Telling People What Happened: Disclosing to your loved ones may be the hardest thing you ever have to do. It hurts you, it hurts them and it hurts you both to see each other hurt. But as well as your loved ones you’ll undoubtedly have to tell one or two other people who “need” to know for “logistical” purposes- like Uncle Bill who lives down the road from your abuser and always thought they were a “nice kid.” It’s another conversation that you feel unprepared for and another person’s feelings you can feel yourself taking responsibility for.

Reconciling All the Memories You Have of That One Person: I still don’t know how to do this- almost a year ago I wrote in my story that I didn’t know how to do this and I’m still no better at it now. If almost 90% of us know our abusers we’ll probably have both good and bad memories of them. And, you could literally drive yourself mad wondering whether the good times were actually good and if all memories can be trusted. Questions lead to more questions and more uncertainty, and you can begin to wonder dangerous things like “If he/she was a good person am I a bad person?”

Feeling Like You Need to be “Over It”: The unspoken time limit you have to heal. Every survivor gets one forced onto them- either by themselves or those around them. It’s in the “If you keep bringing it up you’ll never get over it” and the “Stop dragging up the past” and the most unrelenting: “Can’t I/you just be normal again? Like I/you was before?”

Unfortunately you cannot go backwards, only forwards. You can only be YOU, you and those around need to try to be kind and give you as much time as you need. Time really is a healer and- contrary to popular belief- there’s plenty of it around.

Meeting Another Survivor and Feeling like Your Experience was Nothing Compared to Theirs: Comparison is the thief of joy. In these instances the guilt immediately starts talking to you, “How dare you think you deserve support, look at these strong survivors coping on their own and they’ve been through worse than you!”

Because we don’t feel bad enough already do we? The comparison trap gets us all. Granted almost every survivor I come into contact with says something along the lines of “…But it’s not as bad as some people’s experiences” or “It could have been worse.” Perspective is great, but I want you to know that EVERY experience counts; don’t buy into the mindset that sexual abuse happens on a spectrum, we all deserve support.

Feeling Angry that Your Abuser Changed Your Life: The rage that boils in me when I spot something in my behaviour that I can trace back to him, I can’t even describe it. I feel powerless, it’s like he still has control over my mind and body. But he doesn’t, and if I have to remind myself of this fact continuously I will.

It’s just the thought that they not only took something from you in that moment but literally changed everything from then on- it’s destabilising. But that’s fear talking, you can still do YOU. They do not define you. What happened does not define you. Keep moving forward- even if baby steps are all you can take.

Feeling like Your Abuser Hasn’t Suffered like You Have: Again the rage is undeniable- and I’m really not an angry or unkind person! But feeling like your abuser did everything wrong and got none of the consequences, that could bring out a rage in anyone.

Feeling Good Again… Or Are You? So you start feeling slightly human, a bit like you’re moving forward and yet in the back of your mind you have that nagging thought- “I’m obviously not dealing with this right now so when will I?” And then there’s the fear that it’ll creep up on you when you least expect it and you’ll break down…again. So even when you feel okay it’s like you can’t depend on it lasting. How is this fair..?

So, there it is- my stuff. I’ve written it here because I want every survivor to know- you are not alone and you are NOT going crazy. We all have stuff and I know there’s much more that could be added to the list; I also know my stuff will look different to another survivors stuff but it’s important to note that it’s ALL difficult. It’s all hard, we all experience so much and we deserve to be supported throughout.

If you’re reading this as a “non-survivor” (for lack of a better word) I hope it’ll help you understand that survivors really aren’t just survivors for one moment but for life- treat us with compassion. Although you cannot change what a survivor has endured, you can change the incessant idea that a survivor only survives one event. A traumatic experience is an “experience” for a reason- it’s much more than one moment, it’s a series of awful moments. Unfortunately a traumatic moment, like a rape or sexual assault, sets off a chain reaction of moments which can rule your entire life if you are left unsupported. Many people seem to think, and act upon, the notion that you become a survivor in the instant of the experience and from then on you’re merely moving forwards- onwards and upwards and all that. That is simply NOT true. It is not always hard, but similarly it is not always easy either.

Honestly, I recently suffered a bit of “down time” of my own; a dream I had triggered me and I felt very low, memories of my sexual abuse were on a loop in my mind for about a week. The only thing that eventually helped me was writing a letter to my abuser. And, although I didn’t post the letter, I did share parts of my letter and why I wrote it in an article on my website My Imperfect Rape. I wrote about how the thought of giving some of the pain back to my abuser translated into a glimmer of hope and I wrote about the importance of being vulnerable. I didn’t share this on my project because I needed to fill space or because I wanted to be controversial; I wrote the article because I wanted the survivors and advocates who visit my project to understand that surviving isn’t a one time thing. Surviving is a complex and ongoing process.

In the article I wrote, “as survivors, being vulnerable and open about our sadness is being authentic to our plight. The world- our family, friends and communities- need to see that being a survivor isn’t just about the immediate aftermath of an abusive experience, surviving becomes a daily mission and it’s a struggle sometimes.”

I need you to recognise this struggle- as my fellow survivors, and those supporting and advocating- because honestly being a survivor of abuse can feel like a full time occupation sometimes (an occupation that NO ONE wants.) We would all do well to respect this because as survivors we can rush ourselves into getting “back to normal” and as loved ones we can do the rushing. Don’t hurry backwards, take small steps forwards instead. Support yourself and those around you continuously, and maybe refer back to articles like this one that remind us all that sexual abuse is messy and that includes the “getting past it” part.

—

Helen Alison is the creator of the My Imperfect Rape project which gives survivors a safe space to share their stories as well as creating tools that help everyone start the right conversations about sexual abuse. Visit: http://www.myimperfectrape.com

* Full statistic (and more) can be found at http://rapecrisis.org.uk/statistics.php

Sexual Assault Is Everyone’s Problem

Sexual assault is everyone’s problem. The power dynamics that manifest in sexual assault can also be found in domestic violence and other forms of gender-based violence. Seeing those dynamics play out in the lives of my own family and friends propelled me to advocate for survivors of sexual and gender-based violence. So often the mainstream narrative focuses on physical manifestations of violence, but it is important to also be a proponent of underrepresented types of abuse; such as mental or emotional, financial, digital, and verbal abuse. Sexual assault is a part of a broader culture of violence and abuse.

Supporting survivors of sexual assault can be tough and confusing, but it is crucial to a survivor’s recovery. One of the most common things I hear from the families and friends of sexual assault survivors are questions regarding why the survivor did not tell their loved ones about their assault. It is important to remember that you are not owed or entitled to someone’s story by virtue of being their loved one or friend. If a survivor chooses to tell you about their assault, do not question why they didn’t tell you sooner or in a different manner. Do not question their choices. Give your loved one the freedom to make their own choices, even if you would not necessarily make those decisions yourself. After sexual assault, it is vital for survivors to reclaim the control over their body and their life that was taken from them. And an important choice survivors have after sexual assault is who they tell. Do not tell other people the information disclosed to you in privacy, do not take away another choice from them. Talking about their assault can be distressing and empowering, all survivors are not alike and there is no right or wrong way to handle being a survivor. You may notice your loved one acting differently, remind them you are there for them if they ever want to talk and that you love them.

Even if you are not directly involved with tackling sexual assault, that does not mean there are not ways to support and aid survivors in your everyday life. Challenge the man in the grocery store line who mutters under his breath ‘she was asking for it’ at the magazine headline. Confront your friend who makes a rape joke at a party. Question the guest police officer in your classroom who encourages the female students not to wear headphones when walking around campus. Call out your co-worker who says that men cannot be sexually assaulted. Object to your school’s lenient consequences for student rapists. Vote for representatives that fight for survivor’s rights and privacy. Be an active participant in creating a safe and respectful society for all people and survivors, so that your friend or loved one know that they can turn to you for support, in the present and the future. Rapists rely on survivor’s alienation to continue on without consequences. Your friend or loved one who experience sexual assault need to know that no matter what their truth is, you will love them unconditionally.

Self-Care For Friends and Family of a Survivor of Sexual Assault

Someone you care about told you they were sexually assaulted and now you are having a difficult time coping with it. As RAINN advises, “learning how to manage these feelings can help you support the survivor in your life and can help you feel less overwhelmed.”

Everyone responds to hearing that someone they care about was sexually assaulted differently. RAINN says the following are some of the most common emotions:

• Disbelief. When you first hear about the assault you might be surprised or shocked, and you might have trouble believing the assault happened. After a traumatic experience, it’s common for survivors and those around them to experience denial. It’s important to focus on believing the survivor and acknowledging their story.
• Anger. You might feel anger for a number of reasons: towards yourself for not being able to protect the survivor; towards the survivor for telling you about something that is hard to hear, or because they waited a period of time before telling you; or towards the perpetrator for carrying out the assault and hurting the survivor. It can be difficult to keep anger from affecting the way you communicate. Let yourself acknowledge this emotion and find another outlet to express it.
• Sadness. When you learn that a trauma like sexual assault happened to someone you care about, it’s normal to feel sad, hopeless, worried, or powerless. You might feel sad for the survivor or mourn how this has changed their life. If you know the perpetrator, you might feel sad for how this has changed your life as well. Self-care strategies and coping skills can help you move through these feelings.
• Guilt. You may feel guilty that you could not prevent the assault from happening or that the survivor didn’t feel comfortable telling you about the assault right way. You may feel guilty that something so terrible happened to someone else and not to you. It can be helpful to refocus your energy on making the survivor feel supported as they move forward.
• Anxiety. You might feel anxious about responding the “right” way or worried about how this event will impact your relationship with the survivor. Reassure the survivor that the assault was not their fault and that you believe them. These can be the most powerful and helpful words for a survivor to hear.
• Confusion. You might feel confused by what you’re hearing. You might not understand how it could happen or why it has happened. Sadly, sexual assaults are more common that we’d like to think. Although you may be struggling with feelings of confusion, especially if you know the perpetrator, you should try to always believe the survivor. They are never to blame for the assault.

RAINN also provides a few tips on how to practice self-care.

Good self-care enables you to better care for others, especially if there is someone in your life who has survived sexual violence. The principles of self-care for friends and family are similar to the self-care concepts for survivors, but there are some additional aspects to consider.

• Maintain your lifestyle. It can be difficult to stay emotionally strong if you are mostly focusing on the sexual assault. Maintaining your lifestyle and continuing to do what you enjoy is important for your emotional wellness. If you enjoy painting, cooking, exercising, spending time with friends, or other activities, keep them up. It may seem challenging to make time to do these activities, but they can be helpful self-care strategies in the long-run.
• Reach out and talk about it. It’s normal to have a difficult time processing the sexual assault of someone you care about. It can continue to be difficult as time goes on and the survivor begins the healing process. You can call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800.656.HOPE (4673) or visit at online.rainn.org to chat with someone who understands what you’re going through. You can also consider talking to someone who is trained professionally to help you deal with these thoughts and feelings, like a mental health professional.
• Make plans. Sometimes talking what happened can help you cope with your feelings, and other times it can make you feel more stuck. Make plans that give you a break from talking or thinking about the assault. It could means starting a new hobby or revisiting one you already enjoy. You could go to dinner with a group of friends who understand this isn’t time to discuss what happened. Maybe you prefer a solo activity, like going on long walks. Let this be a time where you can take your mind off the assault.
• Take time to relax. Relaxation looks different for everyone. You might consider meditation or deep breathing exercises. Maybe journaling helps you sort through your thoughts and find peace. Build time into your day for these moments of relaxation so that you don’t skip out.

My Daughter Was Sexually Assaulted

This is an extremely difficult letter to write as I have a hard enough time talking about my daughter being sexually assaulted let alone trying to write about it.  Words can’t even begin to express my emotions but knowing this blog may help other parents and victims is encouraging.  Our daughter chose to keep it a secret from us for six months.  Looking back I should have known something  had happened to her at college.  About a week after being home for summer break she was admitted into the hospital.  Doctors finally diagnosed her with mono but they weren’t really confident in their diagnosis.  Our daughter  was extremely tired, withdrawn, and had no appetite.  About the only time she left the house was to go running.  She seemed to be obsessed with running and would run alone for miles.  Worried about her safety, we ended up buying a treadmill.  She would spend hours every day on the treadmill.  Friends would invite her to hang out, boys would ask her on dates, businesses and organizations wanted her to perform at summer events but she would always find excuses not to go.  I assumed she was missing her friends from college.  As a mother, I feel guilty for not recognizing any of these signs.  Looking back now I realize our daughter’s sudden obsession for running every day was to try and escape the flashbacks of that night.  In July she started researching study abroad programs for spring semester, still no clue as to “why.”   

Another  red flag came in September 2013 when our daughter  uploaded a song she had written on You Tube titled “Fight Song.”  Immediately I knew something bad had happened to her, but she denied it, leaving me very confused but wanting to believe her.  A few days later our daughter called to tell us that she had just met with the Dean’s Assistant and University Security to report being sexually assaulted on campus in April 2013 (two weeks before she had come home for summer break).  I was in shock as she finally shared her story that had been kept in silence for the past six months.  Our daughter  only confided in us with one condition, that we would not tell anyone or call her university.  We felt so helpless!  The law recognizes 18 year olds as an adult so she would have to be the one to press charges against the three boys.  The university, of course, persuaded our daughter to not press charges, they would issue a “no contact” order on all three boys.  Several times in the last two years one boy has repeatedly broken his “no contact” order intentionally. At one point he has even lunged out at our daughter.  Every incident was reported to the university and there was never any action taken to secure our daughter’s safety.  For two years we have shared many phone calls with our daughter expressing fear and anger, not only regarding the boys but also the actions of the university.  Just recently, this semester, the university has changed staff.   A new investigation was completed and a new “no contact” order was issued.

My first advice to parents or teenagers (actually any person of any age) is to sign up for a R.A.D. (Rape Aggression Defense) class in your community.  It provides self defense education, risk avoidance, and hands-on defense training.  My opinion is this class should be a required class in all high schools.  We cannot depend on universities and colleges to provide a safe campus environment for our children.  Secondly, all universities and colleges should be required to have security cameras set up in all lobby and dorm halls.  The sexual assault on my daughter could have been prevented if there had only been cameras recording.  Third, law enforcement should ALWAYS be notified by the university or college when a sexual assault has been reported on campus.  Too many universities and colleges are not reporting sexual assaults to the proper authorities.  SEXUAL ASSAULT IS AGAINST THE LAW!!

More importantly, is the victim, always be supportive and willing to listen when they choose to confide in you.  Always love them unconditionally!  I am so proud of my daughter for having the courage to speak out and share her story.  It has been a long road for her to travel to get to this point and her life has changed because of it.  She has become a much stronger and confident young woman that inspires me every day.  I know she has the drive and determination to fight for what is right!  Let’s join her in putting an END to sexual assaults!!

As I read through my letter one last time, I realized that I had failed to address three “things.”  To the three young men who sexually assaulted my daughter as I know you will all be reading this blog: “Thank God you weren’t raped,” were the first words from my mouth as I listened to my daughter crying on the other end of the phone.  The heartache and pain of not being able to embrace my daughter during that phone call is indescribable.  In a sense what you did to my daughter should be considered rape, YOU raped her from “Her Choice!”  I would hate to be you as karma has a way of haunting a life!  Who knows someday you may have a daughter who is attending her dream college.  Let’s pray that she, too, isn’t shoved in a boys’ dorm room by her fellow classmates and sexually assaulted.  Let’s pray that she, too, will have the strength to escape from the hands of her attackers that night before being raped!  Let’s pray the law changes and that all sexual assaults are recognized as attempted rape.  These three young men who sexually assaulted your daughter will be sentenced and have a criminal record as a sexual predator for life.  Let’s pray that she, too, is a strong and courageous young woman.  Never underestimate the power of prayer, as this, too, is my prayer for all three of you.   May justice prevail!!

Fight Song (Original song about sexual assault)

I wrote this song during one of my hardest moments while healing after my assault. It was about the helpless feeling that those guys had taken over every part of my life and I didn’t want to let them have it anymore. I wanted my life back and writing this was one of the ways I used to take it back.

Lyrics:
Thought I’d overcome the battle
Swore I’d won all the wars
Claimed my place among my idols
Eyes so blind to the storm

Chorus
But you took every piece of me
You took every dream I dreamed
You stole my reality
Held hostage my sanity
But I won’t wait for rescue
I’ll fight hard

Eyes look up toward the sky as I face another day like this
Why is the world always like this?
Why can’t I just breathe for a minute?
I just need one minute

Chorus (2x)
But you took every piece of me
You took every dream I dreamed
You stole my reality
Held hostage my sanity
But I won’t wait for rescue
I’ll fight, I’ll fight, fight hard yeah
I’ll fight, I’ll fight, I’ll fight hard

How to Respond to a Survivor of Sexual Assault

Your loved one told you they have been sexually assaulted… But how do you respond? I know it can be a bit overwhelming and definitely isn’t going to be easy, but being supportive and encouraging is the most important thing.

RAINN suggests some really helpful phrases to consider saying:

1. “I’m sorry this happened.” Acknowledge that the experience has affected their life. Phrases like “This must be really tough for you,” and, “I’m so glad you are sharing this with me,” help to communicate empathy.
2. “It’s not your fault.” Survivors may blame themselves, especially if they know the perpetrator personally. Remind the survivor, maybe even more than once, that they are not to blame.
3. “I believe you.” It can be extremely difficult for survivors to come forward and share their story. They may feel ashamed, concerned that they won’t be believed, or worried they’ll be blamed. Leave any “why” questions or investigations to the experts—your job is to support this person. Be careful not to interpret calmness as a sign that the event did not occur—everyone responds differently. The best thing you can do is to believe them.
4. “You are not alone.” Remind the survivor that you are there for them and willing to listen to their story. Remind them there are other people in their life who care and that there are service providers who will be able to support them as they recover from the experience.
5. “Are you open to seeking medical attention?” The survivor might need medical attention, even if the event happened a while ago. You can support the survivor by offering to accompany them or find more information. It’s ok to ask directly, “Are you open to seeking medical care?”
6. “You can trust me.” If a survivor opens up to you, it means they trust you. Reassure them that you can be trusted and will respect their privacy. Always ask the survivor before you share their story with others. If a minor discloses a situation of sexual abuse, you are required in most situations to report the crime. Let the minor know that you have to tell another adult, and ask them if they’d like to be involved.
7. “This doesn’t change how I think of you.” Some survivors are concerned that sharing what happened will change the way other people see them, especially a partner. Reassure the survivor that surviving sexual violence doesn’t change the way you think or feel about them.

RAINN also has suggestions for continued support:

There’s no timetable when it comes to recovering from sexual violence. If someone trusted you enough to disclose the event, consider the following ways to show your continued support.

• Check in periodically. The event may have happened a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean the pain is gone. Check in with the survivor to remind them you still care about their well-being and believe their story.
• Avoid judgment. It can be difficult to watch a survivor struggle with the effects of sexual assault for an extended period of time. Avoid phrases that suggest they’re taking too long to recover such as, “You’ve been acting like this for a while now,” or “How much longer will you feel this way?”
• Remember that the healing process is fluid. Everyone has bad days. Don’t interpret flashbacks, bad days, or silent spells as “setbacks.” It’s all part of the process.
• Know your resources You’re a strong supporter, but that doesn’t mean you’re equipped to manage someone else’s health. Become familiar with resources you can recommend to a survivor, like the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800.656.HOPE (4673) and online.rainn.org.

Something I would like to note is that I know this is an uncomfortable situation. You don’t want to see your friend hurt but at the same time you may not be sure how to act around them. Please don’t start avoiding them. I had friends who after I told my story to started avoiding me because they weren’t sure how to act around me or how to help me heal. Please, please don’t do this. Healing is going to take time, but we need our friends and family to to be there for us.

Another thought is please don’t share our story with anyone without asking us if it is okay first. It takes a lot of courage and trust to share our story with you and nothing is worse than having someone we didn’t tell the story to unexpectedly bring it up to us.